


Progress in Spirals

by GingerJen



Category: Captain America (Movies), X-Men (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Marvel Universe, Mutants, Orphan Black-ish (4)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-06-09 22:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6927052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerJen/pseuds/GingerJen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is brought out of his cryostasis at the medical facility in Wakanda. It has been a year since he arrived at the facility with Steve and T’Challa with the hopes that a cure to correct the enhancements that Hydra had made would be found. Unfortunately the year has passed with no avail. Enter Mia Kearns, a registered psychologist with a very big secret. Found by Steve and Sam Wilson she is brought to the facility to help Bucky overcome the brainwashing and trauma that he underwent while in the clutches of Hydra.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fanfiction, please be kind.  
> I had an idea, but I don't know where exactly it's going to lead me.  
> I hope you enjoy :)

It was too bright; the light was pure white and it hurt his eyes. He closed them again and used his other senses; he could hear people talking and a beeping noise somewhere to his right…no, more from behind him. There was a chemical smell to the room, obviously it was kept clean, and there were things stuck to his chest and arms. He could feel them stay with him when he tried to move his arms. The whole experience was terrifyingly similar to a memory from long ago.

His heartbeat picked up and the beeping noises became faster, he opened his eyes and saw white again. The floors gleamed white and the furniture was reflecting the floors, made of metal then. There were people in the room with him wearing scrubs except for three in the corner of the room watching. These people stood out, two men and a woman. When they saw him look their way one of the men stepped closer to him and suddenly the memories from the past couple of years came rushing back. It felt like he had run full force into a brick wall and it hurt!

“Steve….” He groaned before closing his eyes from the bright lights.

“Bucky, how are you feeling?” Steve had come up alongside Bucky’s hospital bed and rested his hand on his shoulder.

Bucky groaned again “Like shit, but I’ll live.”

He opened his eyes again as one of the individuals wearing scrubs came up to the opposite side of the bed, “If you’re feeling up to it Mr. Barnes would you like to try and sit up?” He nodded and the bed moved until he was sitting upright. The room spun once, twice and then settled down. “The affects of the cryonic preservation should wear off shortly. Take your time and drink some water.” A styrofoam cup was placed into his hand, his only hand at the moment.

Bucky chugged the water in one sitting. After a couple deep breathes he turned to look at Steve “How long was I out?” 

T’Challa stepped forward to take the place of the nurse, “Only a year has passed since you were brought to this facility. You have not lost much time.”

“So…a cure was found? This thing that Hydra did to me will be gone?” An uncomfortable glance was passed between Steve and T’Challa. Neither said anything, Stave took a moment to refill Bucky’s cup with water. He had an idea of what the silence meant and his stomach sunk. Suddenly he felt ill. 

“You couldn’t help me?”

“I’m sorry Buck, the doctors tried. We went back to get samples from the remains of the other winter soldiers about a month after you went under. The doctors thought they could run tests against their tissue and bone marrow to find remnants of the serum that was used on them. They also took samples from you to try and make a virus that would work against the enhancements. Nothing was working, and could have killed you.”

“So what? You just gave up?” His voice was rising; he didn’t understand why he was awake if none of the tests that had been cooked up had worked. For that matter he had only been under for a year! That was hardly any time at all!

Then a voice he didn’t recognize floated through the room “Well, not exactly. Your friends here decided to try this at a different angle.” 

Mia had been dreading this moment since she walked into the room. The anxiety of it ramped up the moment Bucky had begun to wake up. She tucked a wayward curl behind her ear and walked forward from the corner of the room to the end of Bucky’s hospital bed. She made sure he was focused on her before continuing to speak, “The doctors may not have been able to create a serum to counter the effects of the experiments that were done to you by Hydra, but I believe that they plan to continue working on one.” 

She looked to T’Challa who nodded an affirmative. Mia paused to let that information sink in before continuing to speak, “I understand you chose to go under because you didn’t want to take a chance that you may hurt someone. Steve told me what happened when the government imprisoned you after the incident in Vienna. You wish to reverse the enhancements so you can’t hurt anyone, but it isn’t really your physical traits that are the main problem. Hydra worked on your body, true, but they also worked on your mind.”

Bucky had been looking down at his cup trying to grasp the situation he was in. Why didn’t Steve just leave him in cryostasis? It would have been much better for everyone if he had never been brought out of it. He was so deep in his own thoughts that he almost missed the last sentence Mia had spoken. Bucky focused on her again, curious to see where she was going with this.  
“You did not resist arrest, you went willingly with the authorities and were going to let them do what they will. Until that man spoke those ten….uh…activation words that is. After that you did whatever you were ordered to do; you could not stop it from happening. Even if you were to be fixed physically you would still be dangerous.”

Bucky shrugged “So what are you suggesting?”

“The new plan is to work on breaking down the work Hydra did on your mind. Make it so the activation words are just words and help you move forward. There would be no danger from you being enhanced if Hydra, or anyone else, cannot control your mind.” 

Mia took a breath when Bucky narrowed his eyes at her, looking highly suspicious “And you’re going to do that how?”

“Through therapy. Your friends brought me here to be your psychologist.”

Absolute. Silence. 

Bucky looked from Mia to Steve to T’Challa and then back to Mia. The only warning came from the machine still hooked to Bucky, the beeps getting faster until the explosion hit. Bucky threw his full cup of water at Mia before trying to take a swing at T’Challa with his left, obviously forgetting that he did not have his metal arm attached anymore. His right arm flailed, missing Steve and pulling off the wires that had been attached to it. 

Steve acted quickly and pinned him to the bed “Buck, you need to calm down!”

Bucky continued to try and get up from the bed and was obviously still very pissed off. He glared daggers at the three of them. The nurses all came rushing forward intending to help but Steve shook his head at them “No, it’s alright. I have it under control.”

After about fifteen very tense moments Bucky relaxed some. He didn’t recline back against the bed, instead choosing to sit up on his own. Steve backed away but not too far that he couldn’t reach Buck if he had to.

“A fucking shrink Steve? This is your bright new plan?” Bucky looked at Steve shaking his head “Why didn’t you just leave me in cryo?”

“Because I really think this will work, if you let it. The doctors aren’t going to stop looking for a serum to help but even if they do you still need to work through some things. A serum isn’t going to reverse everything and make it like we’re back home before the war. There is no going back, only forward and Mia is going to help you.” Steve sighed and filled another styrofoam cup with water, “Will you please let her try?”

Bucky echoed Steve’s sigh and ran his hand over his face tiredly, “Alright. I’ll give this therapy thing a go, but promise me that you’ll still work on a serum.”

Both Steve and T’Challa nodded and promised him they would not give up on a serum. Steve went to hand Bucky the new cup of water before pausing “Don’t throw this at anyone ok?”

Bucky looked over at Mia taking in the water dripping off of her chin and onto her soaked shirt. He turned a little sheepish “I won’t.”

Mia tried to smooth out her shirt a bit and dried off the water on her chin with a sleeve, “Well now that is done, I’ll leave you two to get Mr. Barnes settled and catch up on the past year…unless you think I should stay?”

At this all eyes turned to Bucky, who was still looking a bit sheepish. He shook his head no and took a long drink from his cup. Mia nodded at the three of them, said her goodbye and turned to leave the room.

She sighed in relief once she was further down the hall. Well that went about as well as expected, but it definitely could have gone worse. This was going to be an interesting adventure for sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Enjoy :)

Mia hadn’t seen Bucky in a couple of days. She had told Steve and Bucky that it would probably be best to start the sessions on the Monday to give Bucky some time to get used to his new living quarters and settle in. This also gave Mia time to get a room set up for the sessions. 

The living quarters were on the third floor of the facility and T’Challa had given Bucky and her half the floor to themselves. Their apartments were on opposite ends of one hall with empty rooms around them that were free to be used however they wished. Mia chose one of the empty rooms in the middle of the hall for the sessions to be held in. 

She had donned a pair of ratty sweatpants and an old t-shirt, thrown her mass of thick curls into a haphazard bun at the base of her neck and begun moving furniture around the room. Today was the beginning of the third week she had been at the facility, and it had flown by. T’Challa and Steve had made an account for her with a ridiculously large amount of funds in it so she could order things she would need. This was outside of the rather generous paycheck she would receive bi-weekly. 

Three weeks ago all the rooms except for her apartment were completely empty. She had brought her own furniture with her and it had all met her here. Steve had ordered furniture for Bucky’s rooms and the rest was left to her. T’Challa told her to send the links for anything she needed in an e-mail to his office and he would have everything ordered for her. It was amazing really; she still didn’t feel like all this was quite real. Now, after three weeks, all the rooms were filled with items and furniture.

The room she was working on right now would be for talk therapy. For this room she chose big plush chairs and couches, something comfortable to sit in. There was a small desk that was shoved in the corner, just to hold some papers and her laptop. The room’s furthest wall from the door was made up of floor to ceiling windows that looked out onto the jungle. It was a beautiful sight and she hoped that having the furniture close to the windows would allow Bucky to not feel crowded and give him somewhere to look when he didn’t want to look at her.   
There were also some shelves filled with books, plain paper, writing utensils and some boxes filled with brainteaser toys. Something for him to fiddle with while he talked. She could order more things as their time progressed.

The other rooms were more activity rooms. The room directly next to this one was a library, or as much of one that she and Steve could make. She had brought a few of her own books but obviously not all of them were kept in the library and did not fill the shelves. She had Steve sit with her to order reading material that they thought might interest Bucky and help him with some of his memories, such as old books and newspapers. She had also ordered movies and music to be stocked on the shelves. One corner of the library had oversized chairs and a table close to the windows. On the opposite corner of the room was a television with a blue-ray player, a walkman (cd player), and a record player. Steve had also ordered Bucky an iPod for his personal use and downloaded some music for him.

Across the hall was a gym with weights, a punching bag, treadmill, elliptical, yoga mats, yoga ball and a couple other items Mia had thought might be good to have. T’Challa had replaced the carpet in the room with rubber floor tiles, and put mirrors along one wall. Mia knew that the room would get great use on her end; it may take Bucky some time to feel comfortable using the rooms outside his own. 

Sighing Mia flopped down onto one of the couches she had just pushed across the room. With that last piece of furniture everything was all set. Furniture wise anyways, there were still some things that needed to be set up not only for Bucky but also for herself and her….

“Mommy?”

Mia snapped out of her thoughts and looked over at the door where her daughter stood. Emery was three years old and the spitting image of herself with her crazy thick red curls and a smattering of freckles across her nose and down her cheeks. The only significant difference was her eyes, where Mia had blue eyes her daughters were green with gold flecks. 

Moving to one side of the couch Mia patted the cushion next to her “Come here sweetheart.”

Emery walked into the room and climbed up next to her mother “What are you doing?”

“Well I just finished getting this room all set up for when I start working with my new patient. We start on Monday, so when I’m working you’re going to start going to the daycare downstairs.” For all of the reclusiveness of the facility some of the men and women who worked there were single parents with young children who did not go to school, like herself. T’Challa had set up a small daycare on the first floor where the children could be cared for while their parents worked. It was a great selling point for Mia when Steve and T’Challa had first come to her.   
“Are we staying here forever? This is our new home?”

“Well, this is our home for now. I don’t know how long we will be staying, maybe a year or two. It depends on Mr. Barnes.”

“The man with long hair? I saw him go into the library when I was looking for you.”

Mia blinked, she was sure Steve had been with him and was helping him get his room in order. She had hoped that Bucky wouldn’t be left alone for too long for the next couple of days but of course that was up to him. Still she didn’t want him roaming around on his own without knowing where he could go if he needed help.  
“Well I think it’s about time for breakfast. Why don’t you go back to the apartment and think about what you want to eat and I’ll be there in a couple minutes. I just want to poke my head in the library quickly.” 

Emery and Mia got up from the couch and left the room, Emery continuing to their apartment and Mia turning to go into the library. She spotted him over by the music and knocked quietly on the door.

Bucky turned his head at the knock and saw the woman, his psychologist, standing there, “I didn’t think we were starting until Monday?”

“Oh no we aren’t, I just wanted to come and let you know that if you needed anything my apartment is just on the other side of the hall from yours” at this she pointed behind her.

Bucky nodded at her and said a quiet thanks before turning back to the records he was holding in his hand. Mia watched him for a moment before turning to leave him alone. Remembering something she turned back “Oh and one other thing. I don’t know if Steve or T’Challa told you my name at all, but I don’t remember introducing myself. I’m Mia Kearns, MK for short if you’d rather.”

He turned back around when she spoke to him again “Steve said your name yesterday after my…reaction to the news.” He sighed and put the records down before turning to face her and leaning back against the shelves “Frankly I don’t think this therapy thing is going to do anything to help, I promised Steve that I would go to the sessions and do what you tell me but I don’t see how this is going to fix me.”

Mia smiled a little and nodded “A lot of people who are talked into taking therapy instead of choosing it for themselves believe that. Actually, even some people who decide to go themselves sometime have trouble. I won’t lie to you, some sessions are going to absolutely suck, you’re going to have good days and bad days outside of the sessions too and we will go over those. You will probably start to get impatient because most patients don’t see that they are actually improving and they believe therapy should be a quick solution. It’s not. Mr. Barnes, I am here to help you but you have to be open to it. If you come into the sessions absolutely refusing to believe that it’s going to change anything then it probably won’t. If you keep an open mind to it you might just be surprised.”

Bucky nodded a bit “Alright, I’ll try to keep an open mind on Monday. I can’t really promise anything for the days after that though.”

Mia smirked at him “Well, honesty is the best policy. I’ll see you around. Remember, I’m at the end of the hall if you have any questions or just want some company.”

“Thanks.”

“Mhm, I’ll leave you to your records then. ” She turned back out into the hallway and headed to her apartment. When she opened the door she was greeted with her three year old stuffing a fistful of cheerios into her mouth. When Emery saw her she grinned, cereal spilling out of her mouth “I want pancakes!”


	3. Chapter 3

Monday rolled around far more quickly than Bucky would have liked. He still had reservations that therapy would do anything but after a couple of days thinking about it he was glad to be doing something rather than nothing. At least now he could keep up with the plans on a serum and give blood and tissue samples at a moments notice if need be.

 

His sessions with Dr. Kearns were later in the morning and the length of time was flexible. She had no other patients that she would have to see, he was the only one and that allowed for a more open schedule that could fit around him. Not that he had much going on in his life right now. At the moment he was wandering around the facility, or at least in the areas he was allowed, trying to kill some time before his session. He was on the main floor studying the green wall that had water falling down somewhere behind the foliage and into a pond on the ground. Really the building was in the middle of the jungle, how much more green did people need?

 

Bucky turned to head upstairs; his session was in a few minutes, when he spotted a familiar form walking towards a brightly decorated room. Walking beside her was a little girl in a bright green outfit talking animatedly. He recognized the little girl from the other day when he had been gone into the library. He should have guessed the little girl was with Mia; they were the spitting image of each other and had to be related. Mia and the little girl were in front of the doorway where parents were dropping off their kids. She was kneeling down to give the little girl a hug and passed her a lunch box. Just as he was about to turn away she stood up and turned towards him. Spotting him she smiled and walked towards him.

 

“Good morning Mr. Barnes, how are you?”

 

“I’m alright.” He nodded at the daycare door “She yours?”

 

Nodding Mia turned to take a peek behind her at the daycare, “Yes she’s my daughter. Today is her first day at the daycare, but I think I’m more nervous than she is.” Turning back to Bucky she smiled again, “It does make it a little easier knowing she’s in the same building as I am.”

 

“That is handy I guess. So…I guess we need to go up to the room and start then?” Bucky shuffled on his feet a bit. Although he had been trying to play it off like he didn’t care he was nervous about this. He was worried that maybe something would set him off, and he wasn’t comfortable at having someone poking at him even if it was just talking.

 

“We don’t have to go to the room if you don’t want. We can keep walking around the building, or go outside. It’s completely up to you.”

 

Bucky blinked at that, it was a bit unexpected but he guessed this wasn’t really a normal situation anyways, “Ok, I’d like to keep walking for a bit. “ When Mia nodded to him they turned to the front entrance and stepped outside.

 

“Wow look at that view. It’s gorgeous. With all this I don’t understand why they have a green wall just inside the door of the building. With all the large windows in the place it all looks like green wall.”

 

Bucky laughed softly at this having had the same thought not too long ago, “Maybe it’s so people can acclimatize to the indoors. Ease into it.”

 

Mia smirked and they started to walk slowly around the building, “So how do you like your apartment so far? I know Steve did the decorating for the place but he never let on what he was ordering.”

 

“It’s alright, I have food, stuff to cook food, stuff to eat food with, places to sit, a television and bed…” Bucky shrugged a bit. In reality his apartment was really nice, Steve had obviously spent some time on figuring out what to buy. It was homey but not over done. There weren’t any throw pillows or bits and pieces of decoration. The furniture was good, obviously high end and served their purpose. Steve had also bought him a record player even though there was one in the library and an iPod with the same music Steve had downloaded on his own. He knew she was trying to get him to open up but he still didn’t really want to talk.

 

Of course Mia caught onto this right away, and it wasn’t the first time a patient wasn’t being open. It usually took some time for patients to feel comfortable with her, and get used to the idea of talking to someone about things they may not normally speak of.

 

“Oh dear, sounds like Steve forgot the toilet paper.”

 

Blinking Bucky let out a startled laugh and looks over at the redhead beside him to see her smirking at him “No, he didn’t forget…the apartment is nice. He obviously put some thought into the items he bought. I like it.”

 

“From the way he spoke about you and the work he was putting into trying to make sure you would be comfortable here it is obvious that you have a good friend in him. You are very lucky, not many people have someone like that looking out for them.”

 

Bucky nodded “Yeah, he’s always been like that. Steve would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. He would stand up against a bully twice the size and strength of him because he knew it was the right thing to do.” He smirked a bit “Nothing has changed.”

 

Mia smiled, doing a silent cheer that her little toilet paper comment worked enough to get him to open up a bit. “Do you remember much about your life before the war? Are you still getting memories back over time?”

 

“I remember bits and pieces. Certain things will jog my memory. Sometimes it feels like I should remember something but it’s just out of reach…kind of like when you leave something behind and you know there is something you forgot but can’t remember. I get that feeling a lot.”

 

“What sort of things help to jog your memory?”

 

Bucky shrugged lightly “Sometimes a smell, like a woman’s perfume or food. A person’s voice may sound familiar to me even though I _know_ I don’t know that specific person, maybe a song. Just small things.”

 

“You should keep a journal, or a diary. Sometimes jotting these things down to keep a record of them helps, and you can come back to it later when you remember something else. Keep all the puzzle pieces in one place so you can put them together when you have enough parts.”

 

“I did keep a book with me after I escaped Hydra. It did help, I don’t have one now though.” He didn’t let on just how many books he had gone through, and it wasn’t just words but pictures of faces that came to mind.

 

“Well if you wanted I could give you one of my notebooks. I bought a large pack of them before arriving here but I doubt I’ll need all of them.” The two had rounded the building and found that there was a small area with a garden and places to sit at the back of the building. “Oh this is lovely, must be so the staff have an area to come outside to eat or smoke on their break. Did you want to sit?”

 

Bucky shrugged again and sat down on one of the benches, scooting a bit further to the end when Mia sat beside him. She raised an eyebrow at him seeing him move, he returned a sheepish look and a shrug “You know, you shrug a lot.” Another shrug. “I think I’m going to call you Shruggy, sounds like an apt nickname for you.”

 

That got a smile out of him “I’d prefer Bucky to Shruggy and Mr. Barnes.”

 

“Very well, Bucky it is.” Mia smiled in return and the two stared off at the vast jungle in front of them. They spent over an hour talking on the bench about nothing in particular. Although Mia’s questions did have a professional motive behind them for the most part she was just trying to get him to relax. The situation also was a more complex one than she used to run up against when she had worked out of an office. She didn’t live next door to any of her previous patients and really other than Steve she was likely to be the only friendly face he would see around the facility, and Steve wasn’t staying much longer.

 

It’s important for her patients to have support from loved ones and friends. It was amazing to her how having that support outside of the hour of therapy really helped in recovery. Bucky’s only true friend would be in another country in less than two days from now, which is why this particular position was so complex for her. Steve, T’Challa and Mia knew that she wasn’t here just to be his psychologist, but to eventually become his friend. It was mostly unspoken but it was there nonetheless.

 

There was a momentary pause in the conversation in which her stomach chose to make a noisy protest over her having only had a bite of bagel for breakfast. Mia pulled her phone from her jean pocket and checked the time “Oh it’s just about lunch time. I’m going to take Em for lunch at the cafeteria today.” She stood up and put the phone back in her pocket. Bucky smiled but didn’t get up from the bench and Mia tilted her head a bit as she looked at him “Have you eaten today?”

 

Bucky blinked as he looked up at her, “Uh..no..I haven’t.” Was she going to be poking her nose into his eating habits too?

 

“Would you like to grab lunch with us? I hear the food is actually quite good and Emery has been very interested in the man down the hall with the long hair. If she doesn’t meet you soon I’m sure you will be hearing a knock at your door within a day or two. Of course if you would rather have some time to yourself that is completely understandable.“

 

“No that’s fine. I should probably grab something anyways, I’m not used to thinking ahead for my dinner. All my food is frozen…” Bucky shook his head and stood up, the two of them walked towards the rear door to the building. “I’m not used to having to think of my meal ahead of time. There was always a grocery store or market that I could go to.”

 

Mia chuckled “Yeah, no grocery stores close to here. Our food is shipped with the food for the cafeteria, so it might be good practice to make a meal plan for the month. That’s what I plan to do anyways but we’ll see how that goes.”

 

 

**.          .        .          .**

 

 

The cafeteria was large and spacious for the small amount of staff employed in the building. The trio was able to get a table in the far corner of the room away from most of the other people in the room. Bucky had chosen the chair in the corner, which gave him the best view of the room and no chance of anyone sneaking up behind him. He knew Mia had taken mental note of it but she didn’t say anything.

 

Mia was right; the food was really good, and not at all what he had expected from a cafeteria. He had chosen prime rib with potatoes smothered in gravy and vegetables on the side. Mia had chosen the stir-fry while Emery was happily nibbling on a wrap. Bucky smiled a bit when he remembered the look on Emery’s face when they moved their trays down the line and got to the dessert. Her eyes bugged out of her head at the sea of desserts in front of her and if she had been just a foot or two taller she most likely would have grabbed every sweet treat in front of her. As it was when Mia had asked what she wanted she couldn’t choose and her mother had to pick something for her.

 

When they had found their table and Bucky had taken a seat he was a bit startled to find Emery sliding her tray across the table beside his and choosing to sit beside him instead of her mother. He looked up at Mia shocked and only received a smirk from her before she turned to her stir-fry. She really hadn’t been kidding when she told him that Emery was curious about him. He could hardly keep up to her questions.

 

“Do you like having long hair?“

 

“Uh…yeah I guess.”

 

“Where are you from?”

 

“Brooklyn”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“That’s a little complicated.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m really old”

 

“Oh…did you forget?”

 

“Kind of.”

 

“Ok…what’s your favourite animal?”

 

“Well…”

 

“Do you like dogs? I like all animals but I would really like a dog. Have you ever had a dog?”

 

“I don’t really know.”

 

“Why is there metal on your shoulder? Does it hurt?”

 

Bucky finally looked over to Mia with a pleading look on his face only to find Mia trying to stifle her laughing. “Really, I think she should do my job half the time. Emery let Mr. Barnes eat his food.”

 

They ate in silence for a few minutes; the only sound coming from the table was the scraping of utensils against plates and the mashing of teeth. In the silence Bucky’s mind began to go over some of Emery’s questions and wander some. Did he ever have a dog? At a couple places he had been hiding at there were stray dogs that would hunt for garbage or small rodents to stay alive. He used to leave scraps out for them. He guessed he did like dogs, but he can’t remember if he had ever owned one. He would have to ask Steve. His stomach tightened when he thought about Steve leaving in a couple of days. He knew Steve wouldn’t be able to stay but the thought of being by himself here troubled him. He had gotten by on his own fine before the incident in Vienna but now was different.

 

“Why are you sad?”

 

“Emery!” Mia’s voice was sharp and when Bucky lifted his head glancing between the two she had an alarmed look on her face.

 

“It’s alright. I guess I’m not great at hiding my thoughts anymore.”

 

“Sorry, sometimes she asks just one too many questions.”

 

The three finished their lunch and headed out of the cafeteria “I’m going to head back to the apartment and see if Steve is there. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Yes, tomorrow at the same time if you’d like. Really it’s up to you what time we meet if you like sleeping in.” Mia shrugged and smiled “It’s a pretty easy going schedule we have.”

 

Bucky nodded and turned to go up the stairs, leaving Mia and Emery to get on with their day.

 

 

**.          .        .          .**

 

Mia waited until Bucky was gone and lead Emery to a deserted spot in the hallway. She knelt down in front of her daughter and took her hands “Sweetheart we talked about this before. You can’t do that.”

 

Emery hung her head a bit, not looking Mia in the eye “I’m sorry, but he felt really sad.”

 

“You have to be more careful. You can’t go around asking why people are feeling the way they do. Em, I know you can’t control this but you have to try to ignore it like I do.”

 

“But it’s hard” Emery whined.

 

“I know, people can think things so loudly that even when I’m not trying to listen I hear them. That goes for you and people’s feelings but you can’t go around asking people about it, ok? Especially Bucky.”

 

“Bucky?”

 

“I mean Mr. Barnes. He’s asked me to call him Bucky but until he tells you otherwise you are to call him Mr. Barnes, alright?”

 

Emery nodding and began shuffling around on her feet a bit and asked in a small voice “Why was he so sad mama?”

 

Mia sighed and looked around to double check no one was around to overhear their conversation, “He was thinking about Mr. Rogers leaving in a couple of days. They are best friends but he can’t stay here with Mr. Barnes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Oh Em, it’s a long story.” When she could see her daughter about to ask another question Mia cut her off “A story I will tell you but not right now. Right now I would like to go back to the apartment and watch some TV. Sound good to you?”

 

Emery nodded and the two of them made their way to the elevator. There were just too many stairs for Emery to go up and she refused to be carried, so elevator it was. Mia worried for her with their living situation. Her daughter was an empath, and was able to receive other people’s emotions easily. In the past six months Mia had also seen, and felt, her begin to control others emotions, mostly other toddlers or people more easily manipulated. Three months ago Emery had a temper tantrum in the middle of the daycare when Mia had come to bring her home. Within less than a minute of her throwing the tantrum the rest of the children were all yelling and crying. She was going to have a hard time living next to someone whose emotions were most likely going to be all over the place. It is part of the reason having her go to the daycare during the sessions was so important.

 

During the last couple of days Mia had tested out her own ability; being a psychic who can read and control another persons mind if Bucky was feeling volatile she would know it before he acted. She had tested whether she could read him from her apartment while he was around the building and for the most part she could recognize his “signature” if not outright hear his thoughts no matter where in the building he was. Mia was sure her ability would be both handy and annoying in equal measures during her time here.

 

Things were sure to get interesting.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

A couple of months had gone by at the facility and Bucky had eased into a kind of routine. After a fitful night where he may have caught a couple hours sleep he would get up at 8 o’clock and make himself something to eat. It was never anything spectacular, just something to fuel him while he worked out. The first couple of weeks after Steve had left he didn’t leave the apartment much. It had been a rough time for him trying to figure out what to do with himself. Working out helped a lot and eventually he ventured outside of his room to use the little gym Mia and T’Challa had set up. He would work out for a couple of hours and then shower back at his apartment before going to meet Mia in the therapy room. His name for it, not hers.

 

The talk therapy had become something he…well, enjoyed wouldn’t be the right word for it, but it was a part of the day that he knew for certain he would end up seeing someone he had become comfortable with. The sessions sometimes went in directions that he didn’t want to bring up, his memories of his missions or the times Hydra would wipe his memories with shocks. The physical and mental torment was not something he wanted to think about and Mia would not push him. He knew eventually he would have to talk about it but he didn’t feel ready, not right now anyways. 

 

Most of the sessions took place in the therapy room but not always. Sometimes they would walk around the building or go outside if it was nice out. He was surprised at how calmly the staff took to his presence here. The first month he would get some people watching him which put him on edge but it eventually stopped. He knew these people were most likely used to not being able to talk about their jobs outside of the building and T’Challa had assured him that he was safe here. Bucky wasn’t going to outright disagree with him but he didn’t think he would truly feel safe anywhere. He still was hyper aware of his surroundings even during the sessions with Mia. 

 

Mia had begun to comment when she would see him watching people walk past them or take a quick check over his shoulder. At first her comments were strictly soothing, and more professional psychologist talk but she could see that went right past him and so would respond more as a friend than counselor, “You are safe here Bucky, these people are used to us being here now and they don’t care. Right now I bet that guy in the corner is wondering what he’s having for dinner and that person on their phone is most likely looking playing Candy Crush. Not everything is about you.” She’d smirk at him a little and change the subject. 

 

His favourite time had become lunch. Their sessions would finish by then and they would go to pick up Emery from daycare. Sometimes they would go to the cafeteria but Bucky preferred to go somewhere quiet for lunch. They had started going to Mia’s apartment since she usually had leftovers. If not she always had sandwich stuff.

 

Today’s meal was the rest of the roast chicken and potato salad that she had made last night. At the moment the three of them were sitting on the couch trying to pick something to watch on Netflix, “You know, you have a very interesting mix on your account. It’s either Princess and the Frog or Ripper Street.”

 

“Well that’s what happens when you have a three year old. Why what’s on your account?”

 

“You could always make her a separate account. I don’t have Netflix.”

 

“You don’t have Netflix? Then how do you know about accounts? And what are you doing in the evenings?”

 

Bucky shrugged and stuffed some potato salad in his mouth, “I read or listen to the radio like people used to do. And just because I don’t have it doesn’t mean I don’t know how it works.”

 

Emery giggled, “You shouldn’t eat with your mouth full. Mama says you could choke.”

 

He made a show of swallowing his food and opened his mouth to show Emery before reaching over and grabbing the remote from Mia’s hand “Here, we are going to watch The Land Before Time. I don’t think you can go wrong with dinosaurs.”

 

Mia chuckled and rolled her eyes at him before going back to her food. She had noticed that, though still reserved most of the time, he seemed to open up when he wasn’t around strangers. He had especially opened up with Emery, although he kind of had to. After that first lunch Emery had decided that it was her mission to follow Bucky around at every opportunity. At one point a few evenings back Mia had just put Emery to bed and made herself a cup of tea and was going to eat the last macadamia nut cookie while catching up on How To Get Away With Murder. She had gone into her bedroom to grab a sweater when she heard the front door open and close. When Mia had gone to investigate her cookie was gone and Emery’s bedroom door was open. Poking her head out the apartment door she saw Emery knock on Bucky’s door holding the cookie. Bucky answered the door, looked around a moment before seeing Emery and knelt in front of her. She said something to him and held the cookie out, Bucky took it and said something back to her before going back inside. She walked back to the apartment and shrugged at her moms raised eyebrow, “I think he should get the last cookie.” and went back to bed.

 

Since then Mia made sure to use the chain lock on the door so Emery couldn’t sneak out and to be more watchful of her cookies. Her daughter could definitely be stealthy when she wasn’t asking questions, which she was doing right now. Not remotely paying attention to the show.

 

“Is it hard only having one arm? What happened to the other one? Is that why your hair is long? Why does it have metal around it?”

 

Mia shook her head “Em, watch the show.”

 

Bucky put his empty plate on the coffee table in front of him and shrugged “It’s alright.” He turned a bit in his seat so he could look at Emery more comfortably, knowing she’d have more questions. “It is hard only having the one arm. I’m used to having a metal one that moved just like any arm would. I fell from a really high hill and hurt my left arm badly. Doctors removed it and made a metal arm to replace it.”

 

Although Bucky tried to keep is voice neutral and his expressions passive Mia knew it wasn’t fooling Emery. Mia skimmed Emery’s mind lightly as she did sometimes to see how she was handling having emotions smother her. She was doing well but through Emery’s mind Mia could feel the pain, hurt and burning anger rolling off of him in waves.

 

“Was it scary? Were the doctors bad?”

 

Bucky blinked, this kid was astute for a three year old. “It was scary.” He leaned back against the arm of the couch and let his mind wander. He didn’t want to answer any more questions and just as he was about to change the subject Emery did it for him.

 

“You should let mama cut your hair. It goes in your eyes, I don’t like it when my hair goes in my eyes.”

 

He smiled at her and tugged on one of her curls “You don’t like my hair long?”

 

Mia chuckled and spoke up “I like your hair, most women would love to have hair as thick as yours. It basically moves on its own, but I do give some pretty awesome haircuts. It’s one of my hidden talents.”

 

Bucky ran a hand through his hair “I kind of like it as is but it is a bit of a pain. Maybe if I actually did something with it then I wouldn’t get hair in my eyes and it would stop bugging Em.” He poked her in the stomach causing Emery to squirm and giggle.

 

Watching the exchange Mia smiled and moved Emery’s empty plate onto the coffee table with her own. Even though it wasn’t part of her planning, the time that Bucky, Emery and herself spent together was truly helping him become more relaxed in his living situation. She wished that he would relax like this around the staff members in the building but there was no hurry. Bucky had been through seventy years of torture, and quite frankly some days when she stopped to think about it Mia felt like she was in over her head. Then there were times like this, where she could truly see the progress that he was making. She hoped he saw some of it too, but was unwilling to delve into his mind to find out. Mia had her own set of rules when it came to her abilities.

 

Eventually the two settled down and Mia got up from the couch to grab the plate of cookies from the cabinet. She put the dirty dishes in the sink and grabbed three cups, the cookies and jug of milk. Mia popped the plate of cookies in the microwave for a few seconds so the chocolate would get nice and gooey. When they were to her satisfaction she balanced the plate on top of the milk jug so she had a hand to grab the glasses and walked back over to the couch. Bucky took the plate from her so she could sit down and pour them each a cup of milk.

 

She slid a cup in front of Bucky on the coffee table, “Chocolate chip always tastes better with milk.”

 

The trio turned their attention to the cookies and Netflix, The Land Before Time was still playing and they managed to catch the end of it before they were back to square one.

 

“What do you want to watch?”

 

Shrug “I don’t know, whatever you want.”

 

“…There’s too much choice! Movies used to be a big deal and we’d get maybe ten big blockbuster movies in a year! We certainly didn’t have this problem.”

 

Mia chuckled and rolled her eyes “Just pick something.”                

 

Bucky passed the remote to Emery who immediately clicked on Inside Out. Mia sighed and got up from the couch to grab the box of tissue from the other side of the room. She placed it in the middle of the coffee table, and glanced over at Bucky who had raised an eyebrow at her, “Trust me, we’re going to need those.”


	5. Chapter 5

_“Hello Sargent Barnes…”_

 

_“…you are to be the new fist of Hydra.”_

_His eyes felt so heavy but he still managed to catch glimpses of what they were doing. He could see the surgical instrument removing part of his arm, and the red of blood pooling onto the table. Bucky knew that he should feel pain but everything was so subdued. Even the voices sounded muddy._

_The next scene he is strapped into a chair in the middle of a spacious round windowless room. He knew what was coming next; the shocks were the worst part of his dreams. Although everything seemed to look and feel fuzzy the memories of being “prepped” were too recent and clearer in his mind._

_These dreams were a normal occurrence for him, even before he chose to go back into cryo and had been in hiding. He couldn’t change the dreams or shake himself loose from them, just like he had been stuck under Hydra’s clutches he was stuck reliving the past 70 years while he slept._

_The next part was completely new to him. He was at the airport where he and Steve had met up with Sam, Wanda, Clint, and Scott before facing off with the other Avengers. They were facing him standing in a line across the room, suddenly his handler was beside him speaking into his ear._

_“_ _желание” Longing_

_“ржaвый” Rusted_

_“Семнадцать” Seventeen_

_“Рассвет” Daybreak_

_“Печь” Furnace_

_“Девять” Nine_

_“добросердечный” Benign_

_“возвращение на родину” Homecoming_

_“Один” One_

_“грузовой вагон” Freight Car_

_“Good Morning Soldier”_

_Bucky felt the mask and glasses covering his face, and he was holding a rifle in his hands. He tightened his grip on the gun, “Ready to comply.”_

_“Kill them. All of them.”_

_The scene that followed sped through as he fought the Avengers before him. None of them could fight him off. Suddenly he was over Steve holding him down, punching him in the face over and over using his metal arm. Steve’s one eye was swollen shut and his face was bloody but through the blows Bucky could hear his voice._

_“It wasn’t you. You didn’t have a choice.”_

_“But I did it.”_

 

Bucky came awake with a start and gasping for breath; his adrenaline was pumping and his heart racing, he couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard he tried to take a deep breath all he could achieve were shallow and quick drawn in breathes. Bucky kicked off his covers and ran blindly for his bedroom door, his heart was still racing and his chest hurt. When he finally found the handle to the door he swung it open and bolted for his front door, almost pulling it off the hinges as he opened it.

 

He didn’t really have a plan of where to go and he didn’t register where he ended up until a door swung open and an alarmed and disheveled Mia opened the door.

 

“Oh my god, Bucky!”

 

**.                 .                 .               .**

 

Mia had been sound asleep when her bedroom door was roughly pushed open and a distraught three year old came running into the room. Once awake she could hear pounding at the apartment door but that alone couldn’t be what upset Emery.

 

“Em, what happened?”

 

“I don’t know,” large sob, “Bucky’s upset!”

 

Mia picked Emery up and sat her in the middle of her bed and covered her with the duvet “Stay here, I’ll go see what’s going on.”

 

She left Emery in her room and shut the door behind her before heading over to the front door. Bucky was still banging on it but not quite as loudly as before. Reaching out with her mind she searched for his and found a jumble of panicked thoughts whirling through his head. It was dizzying, like being on the Tilt-A-Whirl for too long. She swung open the door and saw Bucky leaning on the side of the doorframe looking like he was struggling to breathe. His tank top was soaked through with sweat and his hair was stuck to his face.

 

“Oh my god, Bucky!”

 

At the sight of him all of the training she did in university for dealing with patients who had panic attacks went out the window. Although she had patients with anxiety she never had to deal with a full-blown panic attack before and it was terrifying. Textbooks, journals and videos did nothing to prepare her for the real thing, especially with someone like Bucky.

 

She grabbed a hold of him and helped him into her apartment; he didn’t make it to the living room and instead ended up hitting the wall behind him and sliding down to the ground.

 

“I can- can’t breathe!” He looked at her with panic stricken eyes and was holding onto her arm with a vice like grip. “I killed Steve!”

 

“No, no he’s safe. Bucky you must of had a nightmare, you need to try and calm your breathing. Look at me-“

 

“NO! I killed him!”

 

“Steve is in Washington Bucky, he’s ok, you didn’t kill him. Listen, you are having a panic attack, Bucky. You’re alright, but you need to breathe with me, slow your breathing.”

 

The look Bucky was giving her told her that he did not believe her and none of what she was telling him was sinking in. He was starting to drift far away from her apartment now.

 

“I couldn’t stop myself, he said says those words and they can tell me to do anything and I have to!”

 

Looking around her trying to figure out some way to get to him she saw the power cord for the landline that T’Challa had installed in both her and Bucky’s apartments. She knew she wasn’t supposed to use the landline to call outside of Wakanda; it was mostly intended for phoning offices within the facility but needs must.

 

She dialed, entered in a couple more numbers and waited as the phone began to ring. After what felt like an hour, the voice she was hoping to hear answered, “Steve, Bucky is having a panic attack. He’s not listening to me, you need to talk to him, I’m putting him on the phone now.”

Mia placed the phone against Bucky’s ear and held it to his head for him as he still had his hand grasping her arm.

 

Suddenly his eyes went wide and cleared a bit, “Steve?”

 

Mia could hear Steve responding on the other end but couldn’t discern individual words.

 

“You’re alright? Where are you?” His breathing began to slow, though it was still shallow but her idea was working. Bucky’s eyes focused on her face, “I’m at T’Challa’s building, in Mia’s place.” His expression went from mostly panicked to one of exhaustion almost instantly, “I had a nightmare…yeah, yeah I’m ok.”

 

Bucky stayed on the phone for a couple more minutes before the talking on the other end stopped and he tilted his head away from the phone, indicating that he was done. She let Steve know that she would call him in the morning to update him and put the phone back on its receiver. Mia looked back to Bucky “How are you feeling?”

 

He gave her a drawl look before his gaze fell to the ground, but he didn’t ignore her question, “Tired…annoyed. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I reacted like that. Nightmares are nothing new to me.” Bucky ran a hand down his face and sighed.

 

Mia got up and grabbed Bucky’s arm to try and pull him to his feet, which he did slowly. He let go of her arm once he was upright; it looked like he was about to turn to the apartment door when Mia stopped him “No not that way. You’re staying here tonight; we’re going to go out on the balcony so you can cool down a bit.”

 

He didn’t argue and followed silently beside her. The sliding glass doors were in the living room and the balcony was very spacious with a patio set and two lounge chairs. The lounge chairs had large cushions on it, making it more like a bed than a deck chair. Bucky picked one of the loungers and laid down, the breeze that passed over his skin felt good and dried the sweat that was still covering him.

 

Mia sat down on the lounger beside him, “Was there something new or different about your nightmares tonight?”

 

A deep sigh came from him, “At first it was the normal stuff, the stuff we talked about before. Then it changed and I was at the airport and Steve, Wanda, Sam, Clint and Scott were all there…but I was facing off against them…my handler from Hydra came in and began speaking the trigger words…then I killed them, all of them and I couldn’t stop.” He sat up and looked at her “I thought this therapy thing is supposed to help? It’s just making it worse. I need the things that Hydra did to me gone!”

 

Mia sighed “As I told you before, therapy isn’t like flipping a switch and you’re done. People’s minds are complicated; it’s both tough and delicate. Dreams are when your mind is trying to make sense of things. Obviously you were thinking of or bothered by something that caused your nightmare. Was there anything else that happened in your dream?”

 

“The only other thing…I was holding Steve down…punching him using my metal arm…it was like I was back on the helocarrier when I fought him, but in the dream he told me it wasn’t my fault…I said that I still did it.”

 

Mia nodded, “In our sessions the one thing that I notice is the guilt you still carry for your time as the winter soldier even though you had no choice but to follow the orders that you were given. Through these sessions we’ve been talking about some of the missions you had and how you had been treated.” She shrugged “Your mind works overtime, so when you sleep these things come up. You’ll probably end up having different dreams as we continue.”

 

Bucky let out another sigh and laid back down on the lounger, “It would be nice to have one night where I don’t dream…”

 

Ten minutes later he was out like a light, Mia quietly sneaked back into the apartment, leaving the door open and poked her head into her bedroom. Emery had also fallen back to sleep, snuggled deep in the duvet cover; her ginger curls the only thing easily visible. Mia smiled and left her bedroom door open and went to the linen closet to grab a couple pillows and blankets. Quietly sneaking back out onto the balcony she put one pillow and a blanket on her lounger and the other pillow beside Bucky’s. As stealthily as possible she used the second blanket to cover him up.

 

As tired as he was she expected him to startle awake as soon as the blanket touched him, but he didn’t stir at all from the contact. Turning to her own lounger she spread out the blanket and lay down. Mia didn’t worry about sleeping outside or leaving the sliding glass door open, the balcony was completely covered in screening so no bugs or wildlife could get in. After a few minutes Mia began to drift and eventually fell asleep herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky came awake with a slight start, instantly realizing that he was not in his own room but not remembering why. He sat up and looked around him, but when he caught sight of Mia and Emery curled up on a lounger beside him his memories of the night before came back. Mia had him come and stay in her apartment for the night after his panic attack. He still couldn’t believe that a dream had caused him to react like he had, he swung his legs down off of the lounger and stretched. Bucky looked across to Mia and Emery again, in such a short amount of time these two people had become important to him. It still felt strange to him to have people who genuinely cared about his wellbeing. It also felt strange waking up each morning and his first thoughts be of the two soundly asleep in front of him.

He looked forward to meeting up with Mia, even if the sessions sometimes made his stomach turn because of the subject they were on, but he felt safe talking to her. Emery was always glad to see him and he would sometimes find drawings she had made shoved under the door when he got back to his apartment from the gym or library.

 

A knock at the door brought him back to the present and he quickly walked through the living room to answer it before it woke them up. When he opened the door T’Challa was standing on the other side and blinked up at him “Ah, Mr. Barnes. I was here to talk to Ms. Kearns, it seems she made an outside call to Mr. Rogers last night.” When Bucky made no move to open the door further T’Challa sighed, “Might I talk to her?”

 

Bucky looked back out to the balcony, neither Mia nor Emery had moved. He turned back to T’Challa “She’s asleep.” Bucky sighed and stepped out into the hall with T’Challa, closing the door behind him. He didn’t really have much to do with the man; they tended to stay out of each other’s way. Although T’Challa no longer felt any ill will towards him the two weren’t exactly cozy with each other either, and so talking about what happened last night wasn’t something Bucky wanted to share. Mia getting in trouble for calling Steve to help him wasn’t something he was going to let happen either though, “Actually…Mia called Steve last night because of me. I had a panic attack and she called him to help calm me down. I know that she wouldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been for me, so if you’re here to reprimand someone that would be me.”

 

“I wasn’t here to _reprimand_ anyone Mr. Barnes, just simply wanted to make sure she was alright. Perhaps I should see if a secure line could be made available for the two of you. I do not trust our computers and landlines not to be tampered with. That would mean trouble for all of us. Well, unless there was something you needed of me I will return to my office.”

 

“…Would it be possible to somehow get my metal arm repaired? I know it would need to be repaired but…it’s a pain in the ass without it.” Bucky shuffled a bit on his feet, “I feel off balance even just walking down the hall without it.”

 

“The bionic arm that Hydra made is gone. Whether Stark took it with him or the authorities did I do not know. Perhaps another arm could be made, but for now I am afraid you will have to make do.” With a nod to Bucky T’Challa continued down the hallway leaving him standing outside the apartment.

 

Sighing Bucky opened the door a crack to check whether the girls were still sleeping or not. Seeing that they were still cuddled on the lounger he closed the door and made his way to the cafeteria. He grabbed three large plates and a small and laid them out on a tray and stepped into the buffet line up. During breakfast the cafeteria was never very busy, not as many people ate their breakfast in the room, they would pick something up and go to their desks if they had one. Bucky piled a mountain of scrambled eggs onto one plate, a mountain of home fries on a second and a large amount of bacon on the third. On the small plate he grabbed several slices of toast. There were a lot of other items in the buffet but he really didn’t recognize them and wasn’t feeling very adventurous this morning. He balanced the plates of food on the tray and made his way back to Mia’s apartment, when he got to the door he balanced the try on his leg and quickly turned the handle to let himself in. Mia and Emery were still on the lounger but he could see Em was starting to move around a bit.

 

Putting the tray in the oven to try and keep the food warm he filled up Mia’s kettle with water and turned it on. Emery walked into the kitchen as he opened the cupboards looking for plates.

 

“They’re in that cupboard, the cups are beside them.” Emery leaned against the bottom cupboards and pointed to where she was describing. She yawned wide and rubbed her eyes before looking up at him, “Are you ok now?”

 

Bucky stopped and blinked, before kneeling down in front of her “I’m sorry, I must have really startled you and your mother last night. You’re mom helped me. Are you ok? Did I scare you?”

 

Emery shrugged “A little, you were upset.”

 

He scooped her up with his one arm and deposited her on top of the counter “Well to try and make up for it I got us breakfast. Does your mom like tea or coffee in the morning? I see that she has stuff for both.”

 

“She likes to have tea with breakfast and after we eat dinner. I like chocolate milk.”

 

Chuckling Bucky made sure she was tucked far enough on the counter that she wouldn’t fall off before getting down the plates and a glass and two mugs. He found the teas on the shelf above the mugs and was flabbergasted. There were at least a dozen tins of tea that he could see and a couple boxes shoved in behind them, “How much tea does a person need?”

 

“The one in the green tin. She likes to have that in the morning.”

 

He grabbed the green tin and looked at the name, Irish Breakfast, and put a bag in her mug. Then he grabbed the container of instant coffee and poured a bit into his own mug before grabbing the kettle as it reached a boil to add water into both mugs. Bucky opened the fridge door and pulled out the milk to add to his coffee “Does she like milk in her tea?”

 

“Just a little, and some honey. It’s in there with the chocolate syrup.”

 

He grabbed the two items and added a dollop of honey to Mia’s tea and poured a rather large amount of the chocolate syrup into the glass. Bucky put them back in the cupboard and poured milk into the glass and mugs. Without his needing to ask Emery reached over and opened the cutlery drawer so he could grab a spoon to stir her chocolate milk. It was…well…very chocolaty chocolate milk. He handed her the glass “How’s this? Does it need more in it?”

 

Emery took a large swig and shook her head “It’s perfect.” She had a very large chocolate mustache covering her top lip.

 

Bucky and Emery both turned towards the sliding glass door when they heard the shuffling of feet coming inside from the balcony. Mia saw them both in the kitchen area of her apartment and shuffled over to them “Good morning. I smell something amazing in here. Are you two cooking?” She happened to glance over at the mirror across the hall and groaned. Mia had hair sticking out in all different angles, and the frizz was a little insane, none of her hair seemed to stay in her braid last night “I look like I stuck my finger in an outlet…”

 

Bucky smirked and shook his head, “You look good.” He threw out her teabag and handed her the mug.

 

“Oh I do not, but that was the right answer. Bonus points for the tea.” She smiled at him and took the mug, “So what’s for breakfast? I smell bacon.”

 

They worked together in the kitchen dividing up the food that Bucky had brought back with him and bringing everything back outside to eat on the balcony. It was a nice morning out and a good time to enjoy the outdoors. It still felt somewhat odd for Bucky, it was so normal a thing to sit outside and eat with friends but that was always for other people but now it was for him. There was just the mashing of teeth and the sound of birds for a couple minutes while they ate. He knew at some point that Mia would bring up his panic attack but it wouldn’t be until later when Emery was at daycare and their session started.

 

The trio finished up their breakfast, not talking much. He’d found out a few weeks before that Mia was not really a morning person, which was why she was quite happy not to start the sessions until at least ten in the morning.

 

Once their plates were clean of food Mia, Bucky and Emery brought them into the kitchen. Bucky plugged on side of the kitchen sink and filled it with an inch of warm water and added some soap. Doing regular household chores and even just dressing himself was still a bit of a pain as he was still trying to get used to only having the one arm. He was getting there though, he hadn’t filled the sink up too high so he could shove the plate into the corner and wash it without fighting to keep it from floating away on him. During one of his sessions he had an outburst and ranted about how he felt like he was four not being able to dress himself or do regular chores like cleaning. Afterwards Mia looked up sites on the internet and videos that were written by and for amputees, they were meant both to educate the greater public and give helpful tips for people like Bucky who were new to it all. She made a folder on the computer in the library and showed him how to access it. At first he was hesitant but finally broke when it took him fifteen minutes to button up a shirt.

 

Mia came up beside him, “You don’t have to do that. I can do it after I get Emery dressed.”

 

He shook his head, “No, it’s ok I can do it. You get Emery ready for daycare and I’ll finish the dishes.” He rinsed off a second plate and placed it into the drying rack.

 

Mia smiled and squeezed his arm in a wordless thank you before walking down the hall toward the bathroom “Em, come brush your teeth.”

 

“But I already brushed my teeth!”

 

“Come here so I can smell your breath.” Bucky heard tiny feet walk up the hall and stop, then a loud exhale and a quieter sniff, “You did not!” Bucky chuckled and shook his head. His life had definitely changed, and changed for the better. He hoped it would stay that way.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the rest. I had already written it a couple days ago but for some reason it didn't save so I had to rewrite it today. It's not as good as the original but I hope you still enjoy.

Several months passed at the facility and a new, less than pleasant routine had continued since that first night Bucky had the panic attack. He continued to have nightmares that would result in him waking up in a panic that he couldn’t come down from. Mia and Emery would both sense it with their respective gifts before he even left his bedroom in the other apartment. Emery could feel his emotions shift and whir while Mia could see his dizzying thoughts. Em stopped getting out of bed, knowing he was having an attack while Mia would meet him at her apartment door. T’Challa had been true to his word and set up a secure line to call Steve in both of their apartments, but Bucky always came to Mia’s and would talk to Steve in her living room. Once he calmed down he would end up staying the rest of the night, either on her patio or on the couch.

 

At the beginning of December Bucky moved into Mia’s apartment. She had begun to think about how much more time he spent at her place than his own by the end of November. The apartments both had three bedrooms, two large and one medium, so there was plenty of room. Emery would have to move into the smaller room but the one she had was too big for her anyway. She was turning four soon and Emery was outgrowing her baby furniture. Mia brought up her idea with Emery to test the waters and Em had been all for it. Mia had also told her that for her Christmas present she could pick out the furniture that would go into her new big girl room. So Emery was pretty ecstatic about the whole arrangement.

 

No, the trouble came when she finally got the guts to bring it up with Bucky.

 

“No, absolutely not. That is a terrible idea; I’ll completely disrupt your routine with Emery and when I get an attack it’ll scare her.”

 

“Bucky, you basically live with us already. You eat breakfast with us _and_ have lunch and dinner with us. You maybe leave this apartment for a grand total of three hours during the day and that’s to go to the library or gym. I don’t think you spend any really time in your apartment other than to shower and dress. As for the evenings you end up here anyways, and sleep here for the rest of the night. I think it would be easier on you if you just stayed here, and it might help with some of the nightmares. You obviously feel at ease here versus your own apartment.”

 

“I don’t want Emery to have to give up her room”

 

“That’s not an issue, her room currently is too big, and she’s already picked out the furniture she wants for her new room. It’s part of her Christmas present this year.”

 

Emery, who had been in the room with them, looked up with a big grin “Mama thinks they might deliver it before Christmas!” She broke down into excited giggles and clapped her hands.

 

Mia pointed at her daughter “See? She’s fine with it; you can’t use her as an excuse. Your attacks don’t startle her anymore.”

 

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea.” Bucky grumped.

 

It took a week and six sleepless nights where he ended up at Mia’s talking to Steve before he finally agreed to the move. They moved all of Emery’s things into the new bedroom and brought in Bucky’s bedroom furniture into her old one. They had also brought a couple other items that he had grown fond of, such as the recliner and record player Steve had picked for him. Those went into the living room with his records. He hadn’t been entirely enthused about the whole move but after two weeks of being at the apartment Bucky, grudgingly, acknowledged that what Mia had said was true. He already had been semi living at the apartment and his nightmares had eased. Bucky still didn’t have pleasant dreams but they no longer resulted in him waking with an attack. The few times he couldn’t fall back asleep he would go out into the living room and turn on the record player with the volume turned low. Mia would sometimes come into the room the next morning with Bucky asleep in his recliner and Emery working quietly on a drawing at the coffee table.

 

Most days though Bucky would wake up before Mia and Emery and would make, or procure, breakfast. Emery was usually the second to get up and would help him. During the week Mia would wake up with the smell of breakfast filling the apartment and have her morning tea handed to her as she shuffled into the kitchen. On the weekends sessions didn’t happen and with Bucky living with them Mia was able to sleep in a little longer. She had worried some about the arrangement even when she had made the suggestion. Mia wasn’t sure how it would effect their sessions since he was now officially not just her patient but also her roommate. They were around each other all the time and things could become complicated. So she made one rule, she was only Dr. Kearns during their two hour sessions, the rest of the time no psycho babble unless he believed he needed it. She knew it wouldn’t be easy but she could also see that their arrangement was already helping him.

 

As Christmas neared Steve made plans to come over for a week to celebrate it and New Years. Both Steve and Bucky celebrated Christmas up until 1943 and although Mia hadn’t when she was very young, during her adolescence she had celebrated with friends and enjoyed the holiday. Emery had celebrated her first Christmas just last year but there hadn’t been much to it as Mia was still paying off student loans and by the time the bills were paid there wasn’t much extra to spend on gifts but she had managed. This year was going to be different. They already had a Christmas tree (fake) with lights and decorations, some of them handmade by the three of them, and there would be a feast.

 

Bucky had dug into the funds that Steve would send him to buy gifts, normally he didn’t really spend much other than for toothpaste and other needed items. He hated that he wasn’t self-sufficient although he knew that his situation didn’t really allow him to go out and find a job, but he didn’t like being dependent on his friend. Bucky wished he had money of his own to purchase gifts with, but he did spend the time looking for the perfect gifts for Mia and Em. He already had Steve’s gift wrapped and under the tree.

 

It had been decided that sessions would be suspended until after New Years. Bucky was doing well enough that the talk therapy could be put on hold for the festivities. He hadn’t spoken to Steve since before he had moved in with Mia and Emery, which was his last panic attack. Although the line was supposed to be secure there was an unspoken agreement with T’Challa that it would only be used when absolutely necessary. To say Bucky was very excited to finally see Steve was an understatement.

 

The days seemed to go by slow and fast at the same time. It was infuriating, but he wasn’t the only one who was impatient for Christmas to get there.

 

“When is it going to be Christmas?!” Emery was staring at the Christmas tree and the growing number of very large presents with her name on them.

 

“Just two more sleeps.” Mia murmured as she worked on wrapping one last present, this one for T’Challa for when he got back after New Years. She looked up at Bucky and smirked “And just one more until Steve gets here.”

 

Bucky looked up from his small record collection and scowled at her “There’s still time to send your present back” which only made her smile and stick her tongue out at him. He turned so his back was to her, hiding his own smile while he looked through the records. He didn’t really have anything Christmas themed; they would have to use the computer or television instead, but everything sounded better from the record player.

 

**.                                                  .                                                      .                                                    .**

_Finally_ Bucky thought when the call from the security desk came the next afternoon. It was Christmas Eve and Steve had arrived at the building. He and Mia had made up his old apartment to be used for guests, well Steve, when they came to visit. The apartment had three rooms, just like Mia’s and they had all been furnished, ready to be used. He knew Steve couldn’t come often but it was nice to know he would have a place to stay during the times, such as now, that he did.

 

Mia was doing a last minute clean up of their own apartment where the festivities would be held. Bucky was speed walking down the hall to the stairwell, not even bothering with the elevator. When he reached the main floor he could hear Steve talking to someone, probably the security guy, and he smiled at the sound. As he rounded the corner he stopped in his tracks in shock, it wasn’t the security guy that Steve was talking to.

 

_Perfect._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a week late. Last week was wicked busy and I didn't get any time to write. I hope you enjoy :)

Mia was cutting vegetables and finishing the final touches for tonight’s dinner, tomorrows breakfast and the big Christmas feast. Bucky had been antsy all day…well really he had been antsy since Steve messaged them to let them know he was coming for Christmas. He had been helping her with getting the food prepared and tidying up the apartment to keep himself busy so he was stop looking over at the clock. When the call finally came from the security desk he dropped what he was doing and whisked out the door.

 

She was piling the vegetables into a bowl when she heard Steve’s voice in the hallway. They passed the door to the apartment and went to Bucky’s old place, _probably to put their things away_ , she mused as she put the veggies in the fridge to keep them fresh. A few minutes later the door opened and a very sulky looking Bucky walked into the room and leaned against the wall looking into the kitchen. Mia blinked and looked around him “Steve getting settled in the apartment?”

 

Bucky nodded and sighed “He brought someone with him, but I think we have enough room and food for him. Wish he would have given me-er-us the heads up though.”

 

“Oh, who did he-“

 

The front door opened and Steve’s voice floated through the apartment “Are you guys in here?”

 

Bucky leaned back so Steve would be able to see him “Yeah, we’re just in here.”

 

Steve rounded the corner and smiled at them with the unexpected guest bringing up the rear. Mia blinked then smiled again moving forward to give both the boys a hug, “Sam, I didn’t realize you were coming.”

 

Sam smiled and hugged her back, “Hey MK, my own Christmas plans got canceled last minute, so Steve asked me to come with him. I hope that’s alright.”

 

Mia peeked at Bucky who was still looking somewhat sulky before looking back to Sam and smiling “Of course it is, it’s great to see you again. We will have more than enough food for you. Make yourselves comfortable, did either of you want a drink?”

 

Steve smiled and shook his head “No, I’m ok thank you. I had a drink on the drive over.”

 

Sam was carrying a couple bottles of wine in one hand and a huge jug of chocolate milk in the other. He lifted them up to show her, “I couldn’t come and not bring anything so I picked some stuff up on the way to the airport. I remembered that there is a chocolate milk junkie that lives here, hopefully this will hold her for a while.”

 

Mia laughed and took the container from him to pop it in the fridge, “This is fantastic Sam, thank you. Emery! We have guests, and a surprise!”

 

Emery came skipping out of her room and met them in the kitchen. She saw the new faces and moved to stand next to Bucky and lean into his leg looking up at Sam and Steve shyly “Hi.”

 

Mia smiled at her daughter “You remember Sam and Steve, they came and helped us pack up our apartment back in New York. Look what Sam brought for you.” She opened the fridge door and pointed at the huge jug of chocolate milk. Emery’s face brightened and she gave Sam a large toothy smile “Thank you!”

 

Sam chuckled “No problem kiddo. I remember seeing all the chocolate milk cartons in the recycling in New York. So, what all can I do to help out?”

 

They brought some of the finger foods that Mia had prepared out of the fridge and into the living room where the group chatted and caught up with each other. Bucky was still a bit put out by Sam’s appearance but it was more from nervousness than actual dislike. The last time Bucky and Sam had seen each other they were fighting on the same side but there was no friendship between the two men, the first time they met Bucky had tried to kill him, Steve and Natasha. So they hadn’t really gotten off on the right foot and he didn’t know how to interact with Sam.

 

During a quiet moment between the group Sam had gone off to shower and change before dinner and Mia snuck into Bucky’s room to place his first gift onto his bed. She had bought him some new Christmas albums he could play on the record player after dinner and tomorrow. Mia had poked through his collection and saw that it was lacking for the holiday and had ordered him some, but she didn’t want to give them to him in front of everyone tonight. If he didn’t choose to come into his room on his own she’d give him a nudge.

 

**.                                                                 .                                                           .                                                      .**

A large hand slapped down onto Bucky’s shoulder and a glass of scotch with ice came into his view. He looked up to see Steve smiling down at him before he took a seat on the opposite couch Bucky was on. Bucky smiled and held up the glass of scotch “You know this does nothing for us anymore right?”

 

Steve smiled and shrugged, taking a sip of his own drink, “I’ve acquired a bit of a taste for it, must have been from staying at Tony’s training facility for those couple years. He always had a well-stocked liquor supply. How are you doing? I haven’t had any phone calls from you for a few weeks now.”

 

Bucky took a sip of his scotch and winced a bit as he felt the burn go down is throat. It had been a long time since he had alcohol, he definitely lost the taste for scotch in that time, “Well I moved in here at the beginning of the month...” He peeked over at Steve; his eyebrows were raised quite high but said nothing, “I haven’t had any panic attacks since before then. I still have nightmares, but I can wake myself up when they start to get bad. The nightmares I’d have before I couldn’t wake myself, I would have to wait until they finished and then I would go straight into a panic attack.”

 

“So it helps being in the apartment with Mia and Emery then? Calms you enough that you can control the dreams?”

 

“Yeah…I guess so, yeah. I still feel weird about living here though. Loud noises and certain quiet ones still make my adrenaline raise, I can feel it. Mia taught me some breathing and thought exercises to try and bring myself down and I never go into a full panic attack when I’m awake but it still worries me. What if something sets me off and Em’s here or I hurt them both?”

 

Steve nods a bit taking another sip of his scotch before speaking, “Yeah, I have bad nights too. Everything I had done, trying to take down Hydra back in the 40’s…I woke up what felt like two weeks later and was told nothing had worked. All my friends were dead, except Peggy who was in the hospital and you but I didn’t realize that…they put me back out in the field and in charge of all these crazy people who weren’t a team and really didn’t trust each other. Not to mention one member of the team was a Norse God…it was crazy. One minute I was dying in the war and the next I was in a brand new millennium and the same bloody war was still going…mostly.” He shrugged and continued, “I was moody and wanted to isolate myself but that was the wrong thing to do. I didn’t want to let anyone get close and I didn’t trust anyone, not really. Here, you have safety and people on your side. Mia knows what she’s doing and she wouldn’t have done this, allowed you to move in, if she didn’t think she could handle you at your worst.”

 

Sam came out of the kitchen and sat down on the other end of the couch beside Bucky munching on something he’d found in the kitchen, “We found MK at a medical fair in Washington where she set up a booth on the progress of how PTSD has been viewed and treated medically since the First World War. It was really interesting and caught our eyes, it was completely different to what anyone else was talking about there and it resonated with the two of us. I used to lead a support group for veterans who like you and Steve, and me too, are having trouble moving forward while our past experiences are keeping an iron grip on us.” Sam shrugged, “Everyone’s mind is different, so we all work things out differently but in my own experience therapy helps. Just talking to someone about it all out loud really helped me to adjust, it just took time.”

 

Bucky nodded and took another sip of the scotch and grimaced, “God, I don’t think I’ll ever get my taste back for this.”

 

Sam and Steve chuckled as Mia came back from the bedrooms and slipped into the kitchen to check on supper’s progress. They heard her remove the slow cookers lid and then a loud _tsk_ sound reached their ears, “There is a chunk missing out of the ham. I _know_ this was you Sam Wilson!”

 

Sam grinned and shrugged, “I couldn’t help it, and it smelled so good.”

 

The three guys got up from the couches and moved into the kitchen to help Mia get everything scooped into dishes and brought them to the table in the dining area. With all hands on deck the work was done quickly and Mia grabbed the bottles of wine and glasses to set onto the table. While Sam was opening and pouring the wine for them Mia went in to get Emery from her room.

 

“Em, dinner is ready. Let’s go wash our hands.” Mia saw Emery on the floor tying up a rumpled piece of paper so it would stay folded, “What are you doing?”

 

“Momma, how do you spell Sam? I made him a present because I made Bucky and Steve one and I don’t want to leave him out.”

 

Mia smiled and helped her daughter spell Sam’s name before they washed their hands and went to meet everyone at the table. Emery stopped off at the Christmas tree to drop her present off before going to sit beside Mia. Bucky helped her get settled into her booster seat while Steve cut the ham into slices and Mia made up the plates for her and Emery as food was passed around. The group dug into their meal, there were groans of delight as the first bites were taken, the sounds of cutlery against the plates, the mashing of teeth and the chatter between individuals at the table. Second and third helpings were dished out before, with more groans, the group stood up from the table to clear it and bring out dessert.

 

Dessert consisted of two pies, one apple the other blueberry, with vanilla ice cream. The squares and other goodies were for the actual day. Mia cut up the pie into portions and everyone grabbed a piece, Sam grabbing one of each with a large scoop of the ice cream on top. Tea and coffee was made and the group went to watch another Christmas movie in the living room while having their dessert. Bucky hadn’t been paying attention to his fork, his eyes trained on the television watching a puppet reindeer and elf running from a white hairy thing, and dropped blueberry pie on his shirt.

 

After finishing the rest of his pie he slipped into his bedroom to change his shirt. After pulling off his shirt and tossing it into the laundry bag in his closet he grabbed a new one and was about to pull it on until something caught his eye. He looked over to the end of his bed and saw a square package wrapped in paper with a note on top. Bucky picked up the note and read it,

 

_I think these will come in handy for the holiday._

_PS: You can open them now, I just didn’t want to have you open them in front of everyone._

_Merry Christmas,_

_MK_

Bucky smiled and put the note down and then tore into the package. Inside the wrapping paper were five new albums for his record player; three of them were Christmas albums the other two she must have seen him looking up on the computer. He pulled on his new shirt and brought the Christmas albums out with him to the living room. After the movie finished he put on one of the albums, this one was a collection of phonograph recordings of Christmas songs sung by Bing Crosby. Bucky smiled and turned the volume up so it filled the apartment.

 

The group relaxed and settled in for the evening, replaying the three holiday albums on the record player. Bucky and Sam were in a corner playing battleship while Steve, Mia and Emery were on the couch breaking up bread for the dressing the next day, all the while Emery talked Steve’s ear off. Eventually Emery began to fall asleep which Sam and Steve took as their cue to go to the other apartment and get some sleep. When Sam and Steve left Mia picked Emery up to take to bed while Bucky gathered the tea and coffee cups to put into the sink to wash the next morning. Steve and Sam had washed the plates from supper since Bucky and Mia had cooked.

 

Mia was coming out of Emery’s room when Bucky came down the hall to go to his room. He stopped in front of her and smiled “Thank you for the early Christmas present.”

 

Mia smiled back up at him, “You are very welcome.” She peeked behind him and saw the time on the clock was showing midnight, “Well, it looks like it’s officially Christmas.” Mia smiled up at him again and stood up on her tiptoes to give him a quick peck on the cheek “Merry Christmas Bucky. See you bright and early.” She turned and went into her own bedroom, closing the door behind her.

 

Bucky stood in the hallway for a minute with a goofy grin on his face before going into his own room. That night his dreams were filled with happy memories of past Christmases with Steve and family.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the editing is a little shoddy, I just finished it now. Hope you all enjoy :)

The next morning, morning being a generous term, Mia woke to her phones alarm. Groaning she rolled over and swiped the screen to turn it off and sat up at the edge of her bed fighting the urge to fall back into bed and go back to sleep. A soft knock came from her door making Mia push herself off the mattress and answer the door. Sam, Steve and Bucky, all looking very awake and excited, greeted her.

 

“Ready to start the mission?” Sam whispered and grinned.

 

Bucky smiled softly at her and pushed a lovely hot mug of tea into her hands. Mia smiled back at him and took a sip, “Lets get started.”

 

The next forty-five minutes consisted of the four of them trying to stealthily move all of Emery’s gifts from the Talk Therapy room into the apartment. When the furniture that Mia had ordered for Emery’s room had arrived at the facility she and Bucky had decided to keep it all in the therapy room since Em never went into it. Now two by two Sam, Steve, Bucky and Mia brought in the boxes and set them around the Christmas tree.

 

“Make sure the side of the box with the photograph on the front is facing outwards. She needs to see what they are.” Mia whispered to them as they started sliding boxes around the tree.

 

Sam and Bucky were bringing in the last of the furniture with Steve and Mia following suit when Sam hit his heel on the back of the couch and dropped his end of the box. The box hit the floor hard and made quite the racket and all four of them froze. Everyone held their breath as they looked at each other and then over towards Emery’s bedroom door. They waited for a few minutes and sighed with relief when all stayed quiet in her room.

 

Bucky looked to Sam and snorted, “I’ve got one arm and I haven’t dropped anything yet.”

 

Sam glared over at him “Yeah yeah, laugh it up frostbite.” He bent down and grabbed the side of the box and the four carried on.

 

By the time all the items had been brought in and arranged around the Christmas tree to their satisfaction the sun had risen and was shining through the living room windows. Mia smiled and turned on the Christmas tree lights while Bucky turned on the Christmas albums with the volume on low.

 

“Should we start breakfast now or wait until she wakes up?” Mia looked over at the guys who were all admiring their handy work with the presents. They looked over at her then at each other “She’ll probably wake up when she hears us moving around.” Bucky answered. Steve nodded, “Emery will probably smell the food.”

Sam shrugged, “I’m hungry.”

 

Mia chuckled and rolled her eyes at them. She began to move off the couch to start breakfast when Steve placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her “No, let us. You did a lot of cooking yesterday and will be doing more today I’m sure.”

 

She watched and drank her tea on the couch while the three guys headed into the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients from the fridge and cupboards. Sam was going to do up omelets while Steve was frying up bacon and slices of leftover ham and Bucky was on waffle duty.

 

Bucky had all the dry ingredients in a bowl while Sam was cracking eggs into another bowl for the omelets. Bucky looked over at Sam “Can you hand me an egg?”

 

“No.”

 

Steve sighed and wordlessly handed one to Bucky before looking over at Sam “Want me to cut up some of the ham for the omelets?”

 

While the guys cooked and Mia sat watching the show Emery had woken up and slipped out of her bedroom. She shuffled down the hallway into the open space between the living room and kitchen before heading over to the couch where her mom was.

 

Mia smiled and pulled Em up onto her lap “Good morning sweetie, did you have a good sleep?”

 

Em nodded and leaned against her mom, still not quite awake yet. She hadn’t even noticed the presents under the tree and on the coffee table; instead she looked over to where Sam, Steve and Bucky were making breakfast.

 

Steve had situated himself between Bucky and Sam and was scooping the bacon and ham from the frying pan onto a plate. Sam was working on the last omelet and Bucky was pulling out a plates and utensils to put on the table with the plate of waffles. Mia stood up with Em and walked over to the kitchen table to make up a plate for her.

 

They dished out food onto their own plates and brought it all over to the living room to eat in front of the tree. The group ate their breakfast in silence, the adults’ gazes going from the presents to Emery and then to each other while Emery ate on, oblivious to the mountain of gifts at the tree. They were starting to get antsy waiting to see her reaction but she still wasn’t quite awake yet.

 

Emery had eaten about half the food on her plate when she happened to glance over at the tree and did a double take, “SAN’AWASHERE!”

 

The adults smirked at each other and Mia quickly grabbed Em’s plate from her lap before it fell to the floor while the three-year-old rushed over to the tree to go through her presents. The next couple hours the group sat in the living room opening up their gifts from each other. Sam sat on the ground near the tree and passed out the gifts to everyone.

 

Emery had received a few new toys (half from Santa and the other half from the adults) along with a large multi-media sketchpad and new art supplies from Bucky. Steve was given some albums from Mia and a few drawings from Emery. Bucky had managed to find a vintage wind-up train that was the exact model of the train he had accidentally broken when he and Steve were kids. It had been Steve’s favorite toy and Bucky had promised to replace it but never could find the money to do so.

 

Steve looked up at Bucky and grinned at him. Bucky shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck, “I told you I would replace it.”

 

“I can’t believe you remembered _and_ that you were able to find this in the box!” Steve chuckled and opened the box to pull out the train. “It’s in such great condition. Thanks Buck.”

 

After the presents were opened Mia ran quickly into the kitchen to throw the turkey and dressing together and pop it into the oven so they could eat dinner at a decent time before running back into the living room to look with her presents. Bucky had bought her Rosetta Stone for French, Italian and German because she had mentioned she wanted to learn. He also told her he would help her since through his time at Hydra he was fluent in those languages and many more. She was really looking forward to learning, she had always wanted to learn another language but never had the time.

 

Bucky leaned over and showed her a couple of the gifts he received from Steve, “You’re going to have to help me. Apparently I have a year long subscription to…WOW?” Steve looked up at him and grinned, “Sam showed me, it’s called World of Warcraft, it’s a computer game.” Bucky shook his head and held up the webcam and headphones “These are to go with it I guess, so he can talk me through it.”

 

Mia chuckled and nodded, “Yeah I can help you get these connected. I’ll make you a Skype account too so you can talk to Steve. Actually we should have made one earlier, I’m not sure why I didn’t think about it before.” Mia grabbed the headphones and looked at the specs on the box, “These have a microphone in them so we won’t have to worry about getting one. The webcam doesn’t seem to have one so that’s ok.”

 

Em came around the coffee table carrying the captain America bear Steve had bought her and flung herself between Mia and Bucky, “When are we going to make my big girl room? I want my big bed!” She bounced on her knees looking between them.

 

“Oh, we still have a lot to do for the cooking, it’s probably not going to be until tomorrow.” Mia ran her hand gently down her daughter’s messy curls. Luckily both their braids had hung on through the evening and crazy morning.

 

“We can do it. As long as we have the tools it shouldn’t be a problem.” Steve offered.

 

Sam clapped his hands together and nodded, “ It shouldn’t take us too long. A few pieces of furniture, we should be done before dinner.”

 

Mia looked to Bucky who looked back over at her and shrugged, “We build and you cook? Sound ok?”

 

Mia smirked a little, “Kind of old fashioned but I don’t really trust you guys with the turkey so this plan sounds good to me.”

 

Sam got up from the couch and grabbed one of the boxes of furniture and mumbled, “I can cook a turkey…”

 

Bucky snorted while following him in with another box, “You are a turkey.”

 

Once the guys were in Emery’s room taking apart her old furniture before building the new stuff Mia quickly checked on the food that was cooking, peeled the potatoes and put them in a large pot on the stove so they would be ready to be turned on later. Then she grabbed the new outfit that she had bought for Em as one of her presents and the two of them went to the washroom to dress.

 

**.                                 .                                  .                                   .**

The next several hours the apartment was filled with the sounds of three men trying to put together a bed, a dresser, desk, activity table and a bookcase. All the furniture, with the exception of the activity table, was purchased online from Ikea and it was Bucky and Steve’s first experience with it.

 

“I don’t understand where this goes…Sam give me the instructions.”

 

“We don’t need instructions. Look I’ll hold the sides up and you put the screws in.”

 

“Just give Steve the stupid instructions Sam, we can’t break the furniture.”

 

And on and on it went.

 

While the guys argued with each other over the instructions and the best plan of action Mia was putting the cut yams in a separate pot and turned on the potatoes to boil. Her hair thankfully had been re-braided so it wasn’t a frizzy mess while she stood over the stove. She occasionally would pop her head into Emery’s room to see how everything was coming along while Emery remained by the Christmas tree to play with her toys. It had been suggested that she stay away from her bedroom after Steve had cut his hand when the screwdriver slipped which had caused a string of very strong curse words with Sam and Bucky quickly shushing him.

 

“Steve, language.”

 

“Yeah Steve, you can’t swear in front of kids.”

 

Emery had given Steve her box of princess Band-Aids and he now wore a Belle and Cinderella Band-Aid over the cut. This of course had Bucky and Sam snickering when Em left. Poor Steve.

 

The turkey was cooked and was staying warm in the oven while Mia was getting the gravy ready and mashing the yams and potatoes when the guys finally surfaced. Sam came into the kitchen with his hands held high over his head in celebration, “We have conquered the Ikea furniture.”

 

Steve chuckled and shrugged “We have finished right about on time it seems. Need any help with things?”

 

Mia smiled at Steve and gave him a pat on the arm, “Thanks Steve I will need help dishing out the spuds, and things into dishes then put them on the table. You guys can show us your hard work after supper.”

 

Same as the night before all hands were on deck getting the food into dishes and onto the table. Everyone had multiple servings and chatted. Steve and Bucky discussed old memories, “When we were kids we got oranges as Christmas gifts.” Sam would tease Emery about how old Bucky and Steve were and catch Mia up on some of the goings on of the rest of the group. She hadn’t met the other Avengers, and right now things were still a bit sticky with the Accords and Stark but they all stayed in contact with each other as much as possible.

 

After dinner Emery got to see her room and was ecstatic, running from one end of her room to the other before hugging each of the guys, “Thank you!”

 

Mia chuckled and bumped her shoulder against Bucky’s arm, “You even put on clean sheets.”

 

Bucky grinned and shrugged, “No use putting on the old ones. A new big girl bed disserves clean sheets.”

 

The adults cleaned up the kitchen, put away leftovers and washed the dishes. They flaked out on the couch choosing to wait a bit before trying to dig into dessert. The record player was on and Emery was happily using her new sketchpad and art supplies that Bucky had bought her.

 

Before long Mia, Bucky, Sam and Steve were passed out in the living room. The mix of digesting food and the soothing sounds of the album had lulled them to sleep. Mia was leaning against Bucky, while Bucky had let his head fall backwards against the back of the couch with one leg stretched out on the coffee table. Steve was on Mia’s other side with his arms crossed and chin against his chest. Sam had the whole other couch to himself and was stretched out with his head against one of the arms.

 

At 10 o’clock Emery put away her art supplies, dressed herself for bed and brought out her blanket from her room. Em turned off the lights and record player, but left the Christmas tree lights on before walking over to the couch. Quietly she was able to pull herself onto the couch in between her mother and Bucky and pulled the blanket over as much of the three of them as she could. Her big girl bed could wait an extra night, for now she felt warm and safe with her family in the living room.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

It was bright outside; the sun was shining through the floor to ceiling windows and hitting Bucky right in the eye. The short seasonal rains from the passed few months had come to an end and the ground was finally starting to dry up from being the soggy mushy mess it had been through the fall and early winter.

 

Mia noticed that the sunlight was hitting Bucky in the eyes and got up from her seat to close the shades. It was the first therapy session since before the holidays. Sam and Steve had left less than a week ago, which left the trio alone to clean up and settle back into a familiar rhythm. This session marked the ninth month anniversary of their very first therapy session and Mia decided it was time to bring up the idea of moving to the next step in his therapy.

 

“So…I have a question for you and I need you to answer me honestly. It’s important.” Mia sat back down in her chair; the sun was no long hitting him in the face so Bucky could focus on her without squinting.

 

“That sounds ominous. What’s the question?”

 

“Do you trust me?”

 

Bucky blinked, “Odd question, why?”

 

“Because we can’t move on to the next step in your recovery until you and I both know that you absolutely trust me.”

 

Bucky stared at her for a minute, going over the question in his head, “Yes, I trust you. So what’s this next step?”

 

“Well for the past couple of months I’ve been going over the progress you have made in the sessions and, although I try not to bring up things that happen outside of our sessions, I definitely see a change in your overall demeanor towards people. You’re less jumpy and suspicious around strangers that come into the facility.“

 

“I still don’t like meeting new people though…I don’t trust them…”

 

“That is something a lot of people face. It’s ok to be cautious but you haven’t been outwardly hostile as you used to be. People are definitely more relaxed around you, especially the staff. So the next step I’d like to take is starting on your trigger words and the overall brainwashing you underwent with Hydra.”

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

“Well…we won’t jump in with both feet right away. I want to plan with you so you know exactly what we’re going to do and when we’re going to do it. You need to have some control of it of course; hopefully it will create a kind of security for you. I don’t want you to feel like this is all going to happen outside of your control. Does that seem alright to you?”

 

Bucky sighed and ran his hand through his hair and leaned back in his chair, “I don’t know how I feel about this. I mean…what if I turn into the soldier? What if I hurt someone? I could end up hurting you.”

 

“Well that’s another thing that we could work on; we could do the sessions somewhere else where you would feel more secure. We could also see if there are people that you would feel comfortable with in the room while we went through the de-programming, so I wouldn’t be alone in the room if that is what you’re worried about. I wouldn’t be suggesting this is if I didn’t believe I couldn’t handle it. Besides if you do become the soldier during our sessions, I would have been the one who activate him. Everything I have been told and researched shows that the one who recites the words is the one who commands the soldier. In your experience with him is that correct?”

 

Bucky shrugged and shook his head slightly, “It’s always been like that so perhaps, but I can’t say I’m 100% sure that the soldier would listen to you. I still don’t think it’s a great idea.”

 

“We’re not going to start until you’re ready and trust me to be able to handle you at your worst in case it comes to that. Though you _are_ unarmed so…” Mia grinned as Bucky raised an eyebrow at her and rolled his eyes.

 

“I’m still dangerous enough without my metal arm.” He let out another sigh and looked back towards the windows, “I trust you, and I trust that you won’t do anything stupid if the soldier is triggered. When you do the sessions I want to be secured to something, so I can’t get out and go on a rampage or hurt someone if it does happen.”

 

Mia nodded “Alright, we can speak to T’Challa about it when you feel ready to do this.”

 

Buck nodded “Yeah…that sounds alright. What’s planned for today?”

 

Mia took a breath for courage before she spoke, “Well…T’Challa was able to get a hold of the red book that your handler used when he would…activate the soldier.” She got up from her chair and went to her desk where a cardboard box was sitting. Mia picked it up and gave it to Bucky before sitting back down to watch him carefully.

 

Bucky looked from her to the box before placing it on his lap and slowly removing the lid of the box. The minute he saw the red leather cover of the book he looked up and away from it. His heart rate picked up speed and he tried to slow his breathing, focusing on it like Mia had taught him as he felt the beginnings of a panic attack.

 

Mia watched him carefully from her chair. She wanted to go over to him, hold his hand or rub his shoulders to soothe him, but this was something he had to go through on his own. She had taught him exercises to help him overcome his anxiety when he felt a panic attack start and could see him controlling his breathing now.

 

“Bucky? Can you tell me what you feel right now?”

 

He took two large even breathes and let them out slowly before he looked back at the book and answered, “I feel…panic, this book has my activation words in it and a record of everything that I’ve done and what was done to me. It’s the Winter Soldiers journal…”

 

“What does it mean to you when you look at it?”

 

“Pain. Anytime I saw this book pain followed. I would see it while they electrocuted me…and read the words from it.” His hands were shaking and he felt hot. Sweat was forming on his forehead and was trickling down his back. Bucky put the journal, still in the tray of the box, down on the coffee table between him and Mia.

 

Mia sat quietly for a moment, allowing Bucky to breath and for her to look him over. In the nine months since they began the therapy sessions together Bucky had never so quickly opened up about what hydra would do to activate him. She knew what they had done to him, the electrocution and the brainwashing but that was from secondary sources and not the man himself. Their therapy sessions generally consisted of trying to move him passed the suffocating guilt he kept with him, caused by his memories of what he had done as the Winter Soldier. This was new territory to the both of them and she didn’t want to push him forward too fast or too soon. It could do more harm than good.

 

Bucky sat staring towards the windows again trying to control his breathing and keep himself calm. He felt edgy and had gone from feeling too hot to freezing but he was still sweating. He looked over to Mia who was quietly watching him from her seat. He watched as she leaned forward and took the lid for the box and held it out for him.

 

“If you don’t feel like continuing today it’s up to you. We can have lunch early or you can go be by yourself for a while, if you feel like that’s what you need.”

 

Bucky leaned forward to take the lid from her and closed the box, covering up the jarring red coloured leather from his sight. He rubbed his sweaty palm on his pants, and looked up at Mia through his hair, “I’m not hungry…but…I don’t want to be alone.”

 

Mia nodded and stood up from her chair and picking up the box that contained the journal, “Would you like it kept here in the office or do you want to keep it near you?”

 

Bucky shook his head “I don’t want it near me, here is better.”

 

She turned and walked over to the bookcase near her desk and slid it into an empty space on the shelves. She turned to look at him while pointing at it, “It’s here, anytime you feel you want to look at it you can come in and it will be right here. We can also have a session whenever you feel that need, we don’t have to stick to the schedule we’ve made with each other.”

 

“Do we have to keep bringing it out for sessions?”

 

Mia shook her head and walked closer to him, “No…only when you feel like you can handle it. I would like to talk about what’s in the journal and talk further one what they did…the brainwashing and torture to make you into the Winter Soldier. This is the first step in deactivating whatever it was that they had done to you.”

 

She placed her hand on his shoulder and waited for him to look up at her, “But, I will not push you if you don’t want to talk about it, it is completely in _your_ control. Do you understand?”

 

Bucky nodded and smiled slightly, “Yes, I do. Thank you Mia.”

 

Mia smiled back at him and nodded, “You are very welcome. I may be your psychologist, but I am also your friend.” She took his hand and pulled him out of the chair and tugged him towards the door, “Come on Barns, lets blow this Popsicle stand.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late with this chapter, sorry! I was writing cover letters and submitting resume's this week like crazy. I am officially done with school (for now) so it's time to get a real job and start paying the monster (aka Student Loans). 
> 
> *****Just a warning that this chapter mentions abortions. It's in the second part of the chapter. I don't really have a full outline of where this story is going but I'm pretty sure this is going to be the only time it's mentioned in this story.*****
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :)

Ten sessions had gone by since his first session with the journal. Bucky had asked if they could continue to talk about in their sessions, at least for a few minutes. He knew Mia needed to know what was in the journals and talk about his time as the Winter Soldier in more depth than they had been before Christmas. He understood why she had waited to bring up the journal and he was grateful; he truly did trust her and that was making it easier to talk to her about it. She was always there for him, and he knew through her actions that she cared about him.

 

Since bringing out the journal his nightmares had returned to how they were before he had moved in with Mia and Emery. This time he was able to bring himself down from his panic attacks fairly efficiently. He usually couldn’t get back to sleep and his heart rate would remain elevated, but he didn’t become disoriented. Mia would bring him a cup of coffee in the morning (she had tried to get him into tea but he needed his caffeine kick) and would sit with him for a bit. That was what they were doing now, Emery was in her room drawing and they were sitting on the couch in the living room.

 

Mia took a sip of her tea and was sitting close enough that her elbow lightly brushed his arm. He had been trying not to acknowledge how much he enjoyed it when she sat beside him like this, but it was hard not to. Ever since that kiss on the cheek she had given him at Christmas he had been falling hard. Well if he was being totally honest with himself it was well before then, but he wasn’t being honest with himself and he didn’t want to be. It was just a kiss on the cheek! And it was Christmas! It didn’t mean anything.

 

He peeked at her from the corner of his eye. She had her hair in a braid, and the sun was hitting it making it look like fire. _She really does have great hair-stop it! Look away!_

 

Mia was too busy trying to pick a movie on Netflix to notice Bucky looking at her, “I know I have physical movies somewhere around here. It would be easier to pick something maybe…I’m just too lazy to look for them. Oh here’s _Father Brown_ …. but it’s a murder mystery, do you think you’re up for that?”

 

“Isn’t there a new show on right now? Netflix was advertising it on the top of the screen. It looked interesting.”

 

“Stranger Things?”

 

“Yeah. Did you want to try it?”

 

Mia shrugged and nodded. She scrolled up on the remote and turned on the first episode. The two sat quietly on the couch and watched the show; by the end of the episode they were hooked and turned on the next one. The world shrunk to just the two of them and the show. They were in the middle of the third episode when Emery came out of her room, “Mom, can I have a snack?”

 

Both Bucky and Mia jumped in their seats, startled by Emery’s interruption. By this time Mia was sitting flush against Bucky’s side with his arm stretched out behind her on the back of the couch. They glanced at each other before looking over at Emery who had paint stains up both of her arms.

 

Mia got up from the couch to go to her daughter, she looked see the time on the clock, “Well no wonder you want a snack, it’s about time we start cooking dinner. First, lets wash your hands and arms before you stain your clothes.”

 

As Mia took Emery to the washroom Bucky paused the show and went into the kitchen. He poked around the fridge and cupboards to see what they had to make dinner. Mia joined him in the kitchen while he started pulling things out “We have chicken thawed out…and some vegetables. I’m not sure what to do with it.”

 

Mia looked over his shoulder then poked around a bit more, “Well we have a few different options, we could do…fajitas, or…chicken and dumplings…”

 

“Chicken and dumplings sound good.” He remembered that his mother used to make it for him and his siblings. The last time he had the dish was a month before he began basic training for the war.

 

Mia nodded and began to grab the rest of the ingredients while Bucky pulled out the pot and put it on the stove. He had always known how to cook basic things, his mother had made sure that he would be able to feed himself, but he couldn’t cook like Mia. She could remember recipes without the need to look it up and could throw things together without thinking about it and it would always turn out delicious. Since he had moved in with her and Emery he had been present for every meal she cooked and she would patiently explain what she was doing and even had him cook some of the meals.

 

A little while later Emery went looking for her mom and Bucky. She was still hungry and smelled the food cooking. She found them standing over the stove and her mom was showing him how to form the dumplings before placing them in the pot. Bucky used his hip to keep the bowl in place while he scooped up a handful of the dough and placed it in the pot like Mia had shown him. Emery stayed quiet and watched them as they worked together at the stove. Although her mother had always told her not to she used her gift, curiosity getting the better of her. She stretched her gift out to Bucky and her mother and found that the usually anxious Bucky was completely relaxed, and happy. Her mother, though far more emotionally stable then Bucky was content. Emery remembered her mother used to feel stressed a lot, it was like a swarm of bees continued to buzz around her mother, but when they moved to the facility that feeling faded over time. Emery smiled as Mia and Bucky’s emotions washed over her, they were positive feelings, which always felt light and refreshing to her. With her curiosity satisfied Emery walked further into the kitchen and stood beside her mother, “What’s for supper?”

 

Bucky and Mia both turned to look over at her and smiled. Bucky answered, “We’re having chicken and dumplings. It’s almost done, but we have to wait for the dumplings to finish cooking.” Bucky moved away from the stove and grabbed three bowls from the cupboard and placed them beside the stove, “Do we want to eat at the table or in the living room?”

 

Mia looked down to Emery, “Your choice tonight.”

 

“Living room!”

 

“Ok then.” Bucky grabbed three spoons and napkins, “Can you take those over to the living room for us, and pick out something for us to watch?” Emery nodded and left with her supplies.

 

Mia and Bucky scooped out portions of the chicken and dumplings into the three bowls that Bucky had taken out. Mia brought the bowls into the living room while Bucky brought in the drinks. The three sat in their designated spots on the couch, the adults on either end with Emery sitting on the cushion between them.

 

Bucky stretched his legs out to rest his feet on the coffee table in front of him and scooted down in his seat, resting his bowl on his stomach. He glanced over towards Emery and Mia; Em was sitting with a pillow on her lap with the bowl of chicken and dumplings on top. Mia was leaning over to help Emery break up her chicken into smaller bite-sized pieces.

 

Before the war he had definitely been a ladies man, he was able to get dates easily and enjoyed going out. Back then he knew someday he would probably end up getting married and having a family, but why rush it? During the war his thoughts would drift, imagining that there was someone back home waiting for him, Bucky would go between regretting that there wasn’t someone special and glad. He had been a young man when he joined the war, plenty of time before worrying about settling down but the war had changed that mindset pretty quickly. Then Hydra found him and turned him into the Winter Soldier, he was no longer in control of his own life and thoughts of family left him.

 

Here now, when he looked over to Mia and Emery he felt like he was truly a part of a family. It wasn’t completely true, they weren’t his, but they had yanked him into their lives and for the first time in a long time he felt…safe. He didn’t know what he would do if something happened to them, if Hydra found them or him. He couldn’t bear the thought of them getting hurt because of him, but he did know that he would relive the horrors Hydra had put him through if it meant they would be safe.

 

Emery looked over at Bucky and noticed him staring. She smiled up at him, “What?”

 

Bucky smiled and shook his head, “Nothing kiddo.” He went back to finishing his chicken and dumplings and kept his eyes on the television.

 

**.                                                              .                                                                 .                                                                .**

 

 

Bucky felt hot and cold at the same time. Sweat was dripping off of his brow and soaking through his shirt. He looked at the journal in front of him, looking at his handler’s handwriting on the open page. The journal was filled with the specifics on how he was conditioned and details on the missions he completed. It brought back all the memories to the forefront of his mind. Even when the Winter Soldier was in control Bucky was still in there, but he couldn’t break out, he couldn’t resist the orders. He was a passenger with a full view of what the Winter Soldier was doing. Bucky remembers screaming for it to stop; begging his handler not to wipe his mind, not to “prep” him but no sound ever left his mouth.

 

“Bucky? Do you want to stop for today?”

 

He closed the journal and placed it back into its box with the lid shut. Bucky closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing. After a few minutes of slow and deep breaths he looked over to Mia, “Can we talk about something else?”

 

“Sure, what would you like to talk about?”

 

Bucky shrugged and stayed quiet for a moment, “What about you? You know a lot about me but I still know next to nothing about you and Emery from before we met.”

 

Mia blinked at him and straightening up in her seat a bit, “Ok, what is it you’d like to know?”

 

“You said before that you lived in New York when you were hired for this job. Where in New York?”

 

“Well, I lived in Manhattan in a studio apartment. It was mid-Manhattan area, not really the best neighborhood but the apartment was all I could afford. I had school debt that I was trying to pay off and then I had Emery, so money was tight.”

 

Bucky tilted his head to the side a bit as he tried to think of the layout of Manhattan, it had been so long since he had last been. “Mid-Manhattan…I remember I went out with a girl once from Manhattan. How mid in Manhattan were you?”

 

Mia picked at a curl that had escaped its braid, leaning back in her seat and tucking her legs up from underneath her. In her mind the therapy session had pretty much ended and normally she would try to move them to the apartment but Bucky was still visibly shaken from his session. So she got comfortable and decided trying to distract him like this may help bring him down from the therapy, “In Midtown West.”

 

Bucky thought about it for a minute before looking over at her with wide eyes “You mean Hell’s Kitchen!? That area is awful! It was a bad area before I was born and I know it’s still a bad one now.”

 

Mia shrugged and the pitch of her voice grew higher as she defended her old home, “It’s not so bad…”

 

“Nuh uh, I was there briefly before I left the States. It was still pretty damn bad, and I was there a few times back in the 30’s and 40’s.”

 

“Ok so it was pretty gross most of the time. Like I said money was tight and I was in New York. I managed to find a place I could afford and that’s where it was. I had good neighbours though, it was close to work and the daycare I had Emery in was a good one. It wasn’t so bad.”

 

“Do you miss it?”

 

Mia sighed and nodded, “Yeah, sometimes. I mean this place is great, the view is amazing and the living arrangements are fantastic, but I left behind friends, some of them I consider family and I did like working at the practice in New York. I don’t regret the decision to come here at all, meeting Steve, Sam, T’Challa and you. Emery’s happy, and all of my debt from school and just life in general is gone.”

 

“It’s still secluded though; it isn’t the same as when you were in New York.”

 

Mia nodded at him, “Exactly. Plus eventually Emery is going to need to go to school, not just daycare. Soon too, and I’m worried about sending her outside of the facility everyday with no protection. We all know there are people looking for you, dangerous people, what if they find out about Emery and I? It’s always on my mind, but I know it’s a slim chance anyone would see her and think to take her.”

 

Bucky nodded and leaned back in his chair, stretching on leg out to rest his foot on the coffee table. The conversation had calmed him down; distracting him from the journal and the session they had earlier. He rubbed his palm over his pant leg nervously, “Can I ask…where Emery’s father is? Neither of you talk about a father, nor are there pictures in any of your photo albums. It looks like a few are missing actually.”

 

She let out a long breath and looked out the window, “His name was Michael; we knew each other since childhood actually, grew up together. I guess we technically became an item when we became teenagers and we stayed with each other after high school. We weren’t exactly romantically in love, a lot of people thought that when I use to tell people we were childhood friends. It was more like ‘why not’ you know? We definitely cared for each other and things were good. We both went to college and he became a mechanic and worked full-time while I was still school full-time. I had a part-time job between classes though so we were able to make ends meet, and I didn’t have to take out huge loans for the first half of school.”

 

“So what happened?”

 

“I found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill but that doesn’t always work.” Mia shrugged one shoulder and shook her head before she continued, “Michael wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t want kids. We both have…well some genetics that he didn’t want to risk passing down to the next generation. Kids were definitely not in his plan. He wanted me to go to a clinic and have an abortion.”

 

Bucky shook his head, what kind of ‘genetics’ could possibly make a man so paranoid that he would be against a pregnancy? Abortions have been happening for thousands of years, whether through ingesting substances or back ally doctors. He had gone to high school with a girl who died because she had taken pills that had caused her to hemorrhage. Abortions were definitely surrounded by negativity in his time, and today cause a great division in opinions when brought up. “You didn’t end up going to the clinic obviously.” Having had the privilege of knowing Emery he was definitely glad she hadn’t.

 

“I almost did, he was always a very persuasive talker. It was almost my study week so we had planned to go then. I had taken that week off of work too so I could rest, and we had made an appointment at the clinic. The weekend before we were to go Michael had taken some extra hours at the shop, and while he was working I packed my things and left. Since the consultation we had at the clinic I realized how much I wanted to keep the baby and begun to plan to leave.”

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“I stayed with some friends. Michael tried to get me to come back but we were done as far as I was concerned. I was able to finish the rest of my semester and I enrolled in summer classes so I could take the fall off since my due date was in September.”

 

“And he’s never wanted to see Emery or be a part of her life?”

 

Mia shook her head, “No he hasn’t tried to contact me. It may be because before Emery was born a couple of my friends had mentioned that I should make him sign away any rights to her. I mean we weren’t married, but we were technically common law at that point. I waited until after Emery was born to start the process, the two friends who brought it up are lawyers and they helped me with everything…they actually opened up their very own practice in Hell’s Kitchen, I haven’t spoken to either of them in a while now, but they definitely knew their stuff and were a great help. Anyways, Mat and Foggy set up the meeting between Michael and myself to have him sign the papers. I asked if he wanted to see her, and he said no. I also asked if he thought he would want to meet her when she turned 18 and it was another no.” Mia shrugged, “His loss.”

 

Bucky blew out a breath; angry with a complete stranger, “Definitely his loss. Has she ever asked about him?”

 

Mia nodded, “Once. It was hard, I didn’t know what to say but I knew I would have to tell her about him someday. All I told her was that he was scared of babies….”

 

Bucky blinked and smirked, “Scared of babies?”

 

Mia raised her hands in the air palms up “I didn’t know what to tell her. What child wants to hear that her own father didn’t want her?”

 

“No child wants to hear that. I’m sorry that you had to go it alone.” He noticed her eyes started to get misty and her lips begun to tremble. Bucky started to panic, he definitely didn’t know how to handle tears and he didn’t think he ever did before. All he could think of doing was getting up from his seat, gently take her hand and pull her to her feet. Then he wrapped his arm around her and pull her close to rest his head on hers.

 

Mia sniffled a bit and rested her head as close to the crook of his neck as she could get it. She was tall but he was taller. She sighed and smiled softly as she enjoyed the contact, “So, do you feel like you know me a little better now?”

 

He laughed and nodded, “Yeah. I can’t say I haven’t been curious; you really don’t talk about your past.”

 

“No, I guess I don’t. Though then again I don’t know everything about you either, so I’d say that we’re getting pretty even.”

 

“Even I don’t know everything about myself, and I’m sure the history books leave out some pretty important things.”

 

Mia chuckled and leaned back to look up at him, “Don’t worry old man, we’ll get it straightened out.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes at her and pulled back to nudge her towards the door, “Come on, I’m starving. Let’s go get Emery and see what they’re making in the cafeteria.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

“Ok Mr. Barnes. I am going to place these on your temples; they have an adhesive on the back but they won’t hurt when I take them off. They will be hooked to this machine, which will monitor your brain waves. We’re also going to place this on your finger and it is hooked up to this machine here, it’s going to show us your heart rate.” The doctor moved around the room pointing to what she was describing to Bucky before turning to him, “Do you have any questions or concerns Mr. Barnes?”

 

“You can call my Bucky; Mr. Barnes makes me feel old…” He scanned the room before looking at the chair that was to be his. It was a large and sturdy looking chair, but it looked comfortable with the overstuff cushions. There was a matching chair that faced the other and not much else in the room. It wasn’t a stark white sterile room like he had initially expected, the floor was carpeted and the walls were a pale yellow. It was a long rectangular room, with a couple windows on one side and an observation room on the end. The window was a one-way mirror so those inside the room couldn’t see into the observatory. He looked back at the chair he was going to be sitting in, “There aren’t any restraints on it…”

 

Mia stepped forward, holding a notebook and pen, “Since we aren’t going to jump full into this we don’t believe that you will need the restraints. This is just to get you used to the room, the equipment and the idea of other people being around while we do this. We don’t want to cause any unnecessary stress when we truly begin.”

 

Bucky looked completely unconvinced, “The minute I get the slightest bit twitchy I want everyone out.”

 

Mia blinked then nodded, “Alright. Do you want to start?”

 

Bucky nodded and moved to sit down in the chair bookended by the two machines that would be monitoring him throughout. The doctor quickly and efficiently placed the monitors on him. She moved over to check both machines before nodding to Mia, “We’re ready to go.”

 

Mia smiled and nodded to the doctor who stayed within the room to keep watch over the machines.

 

“Alright Bucky, so as we talked about these sessions are going to be kept short and we will be using the trigger words, but speaking them in English, not Russian. Are you still ready to go forward?”

 

He shifted in his seat and looked over to the observatory. He knew the people who would be watching over these first few proceedings, Mia had made sure that they all met with each other beforehand. It was mostly security and a few of the other nurses and doctors who had been monitoring him while in cryostasis. T’Challa was going to be out of the country for these sessions, but he had said he would be present for the sessions when Mia and Bucky began using the trigger words in Russian. As Mia had said, these first few sessions were just to get him used to the room and people watching; as the week went by they would be adding the restraints and setting the room up for the real thing.

 

“Ok so we are going to start. I am going to read the list out in English.” Mia opened her notebook where she had written the list of trigger words down. She took a breath and read the list, reading clearly and pausing before the next work.

 

“Longing.”

 

“Rested.”

 

“Seventeen.”

 

Mia peeked up at him quickly to see how he reacted to having the words spoken out loud, even though it was in English. Bucky was watching her read the list and tried to smile a bit to let her know he was ok but all that showed was a twitch of his lips. He was tense but he wasn’t being triggered.

 

“Daybreak.”

 

“Furnace.”

 

“Benign.”

 

“Homecoming.”

 

“One.”

 

“Freight Car.”

 

She looked up from her notebook and at Bucky, “How do you feel?”

 

“I’m ok; it’s strange hearing the words in English.”

 

The doctor looked over the charts from the machines, nodding her head and looked over to Mia, “They show signs of rising stress levels but as we discussed that is to be expected in these few sessions.”

 

“Why do we need to know my stress levels again?”

 

The doctor printed off the chart for Bucky’s heart rate and grabbed the paper from the other monitor, “To essentially create a baseline for your heart rate and stress, so when we begin the full sessions we will hopefully have an idea of when things are about to turn. If they do.”

 

The woman wrote down the time and date on the scans, adding a note that Bucky couldn’t see before putting them in a file and turning to Mia and Bucky, “Whenever you are both ready we can continue.”

 

Mia turned to Bucky “So I’m going to read the list out loud again, but when I say a word I would like you to repeat it back to me.”

 

Bucky nodded and they proceeded to go through the list again. They did this, reading the list, several more times until an hour had passed. The doctor had several sheets of his readings in the file, making a note on the top corner of them each time. Mia closed the notebook with the list of words in them and smiled at Bucky, “I think that’s good for today. How are you feeling?”

 

“Better…not as on edge as the first couple of times we went through them.”

 

The doctor unhooked him from the monitors and took her files into the observation room.

 

“Well, a good first day then. Anything you would like to change for the next session?”

 

Bucky shrugged and looked around the room, “No, just as long the room is more secure for the actual day. Restraints need to be added to the chair, and not just the regular ones made of leather, they need to be metal and unyielding. No chains.” He looked towards the observatory; only seeing his reflections but he was sure people were taking notes in the other room. He stood up from his chair and stretched out his tense muscles before offering his hand to help Mia up from the chair, “Shall we get going?”

 

Mia smiled and took his hand, “Yeah, I need to grab a snack before my lesson.”

Mia had been very adamant that she would be the one to read the trigger words but had forgotten one very important detail. She could not speak or read Russian. T’Challa’s assistant was fluent in it and had offered to teach her…or more likely was told to. Mia still needed to work on her pronunciation but she recognized the words on the page, which she thought was a good start.

 

The two left the room, hand in hand, and headed for the elevator. The room where the sessions were taking place was in the basement of the facility and could easily be locked down to keep people out, or in Bucky’s case, keep him in if he was triggered and tried to get away.

 

They both stepped into the elevator when it arrived. Mia had to press the button even though Bucky was technically closer because he wouldn’t let go of her hand. He smirked at her as she twisted around to press the button. Since she had opened up to him about some of her past a couple of weeks ago Bucky had begun to get more physical and she really didn’t mind. In their apartment he would touch her arm or hand when he came up to her, just small touches, but definitely different than before.

 

Mia looked at the reflection of the two of them in the elevator doors. She looked over at Bucky’s reflection and smiled at him when he caught her staring, “Staring is rude you know.”

 

Mia huffed and shook her head, “And who taught you that?”

 

“Emery.”

 

“She is very wise. Though I had a very good reason for staring.”

 

Bucky raised an eyebrow and looked down at her, leaning in closer, “Oh yeah, and what’s that?”

 

“Your fly is open.”

 

“No it’s not…” Bucky shook his head but peeked down at his pants just to make sure. It was open, “Shit!”

 

Mia laughed as Bucky released her hand to pull his zipper up. He took her hand again and shook his head, “Please tell me it wasn’t open the whole session.”

 

“It wasn’t, it must had been when you stretched right before we left.” She chuckled and looked up at him, “Ohhh, somebody is blushing!”

 

Bucky was about to retort when the elevator stopped at the main level. The doors opened to reveal Steve and Sam. Both parties stopped and stared at each other for a minute before Steve and Sam’s eyes flicked down to her and Bucky’s hands.

 

Before the elevator doors started to close on them Steve reached out to hold them while Sam stepped into the elevator before him. Bucky was still holding her hand and while Steve smiled a little but didn’t say anything Sam wasn’t even trying to hold back.

 

He waggled his eyebrows at the two of you and smirked, “Oh man, I am so glad we decided to surprise you two. We might have missed this.”

 

Oh boy.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! I am so sorry I haven't posted a chapter in so long. My contract ended at the end of August so I've been searching for a new job this past month. Updating ended up being put on the back burner. I hope you enjoy :)

“Would you two cut it out?” Bucky glowered at the two grinning Avengers sitting across from him.

 

“Why? Is it bugging you? Something you wanna get off your chest?” Sam smirked, which turned into a full-blown laugh when Steve nudged him with his elbow.

 

“Come on Sam, we shouldn’t tease him, although you most certainly owe us an explanation young man.” Steve was trying, and failing, to hold a serious look on his face.

 

Bucky groaned and ran a hand through his hair and leaned back into the couch. Mia had left almost immediately after the four of them had arrived at the apartment. She had snuck out to go to her lesson while Sam and Steve had gone to the guest apartment to put their stuff away. He was going to be stuck with these two clowns for at least an hour.

 

“Why are you two here? We never established that.”

 

Sam snorted, “Why do you think? You’re about to go into some pretty hard sessions to try and undo what Hydra put in your head. We are here for moral and emotional support. You’re welcome.”

 

Steve shook his head at Sam and turned back to Bucky, “I thought perhaps it would be good to be here, at least for the first bit.”

 

Bucky nodded, “It might be good to have you around during this actually. If the Winter Soldier gets triggered and Mia can’t control me I need you two to stop me, anyway you need to.”

 

“Well I don’t think-“

 

“Done.”

 

“ _Sam._ ”

 

Sam looked over at Steve and shrugged, “What? Dude is literally sitting here asking for it _and_ he broke my car. It was a nice car Steve.”

 

Bucky groaned, “Are you never going to get over that?”

 

“No.”

 

Steve sighed and ran a hand down his face, “I thought you two were getting along?”

 

“Oh we are, but still. Those scars don’t just go away.”

 

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked over to Steve, “Anyway, Mia probably won’t be back for a while. She’s taking some lessons with T’Challa’s assistant to learn the trigger words in Russian. The lesson is usually about an hour long and she’s going to pick Emery up from the daycare downstairs so she won’t be back for a while. What do you guys want to do?”

 

“Why don’t we just go get Emery from daycare now?” Sam shrugged and looked between Bucky and Steve, “We can just call Mia or let the daycare attendant know.”

 

Steve looked to Bucky, “Would they let you take her out. You’re not a parent.”

 

Bucky nodded, “Yeah, Mia put me on a list they have so the attendants know who can pick up the kids.” Ignoring the looks that got him he continued, “The attendant will let her know, T’Challa’s assistant doesn’t like to be disturbed during their lessons. She will have to pass by the daycare anyways.”

 

“You’re afraid of Mia’s teacher aren’t you?” Sam smirked at Bucky.

 

“You haven’t met her. She’s intense.” Bucky stood up from the couch and stretched before heading for the front door, “You guys coming or am I just bringing her up myself?”

 

The trio left the apartment and headed for the daycare. They opened the door and stepped up to the desk to wait for an attendant to notice him, which didn’t take long. With Sam and Steve standing right behind him every pair of eyeballs were trained on them.

 

“Bucky!” Emery stood up from her seat on the floor and ran over to the gate, “Mom isn’t going to pick me up today?”

 

“Nope, we thought we would surprise you.” Bucky could hear the room filling with gasps and loud whispers of “It’s Captain America!” and “Falcon”. A few kids got up from the floor and walked over to the gate beside Emery.

 

The attendant came over and smiled at the trio, “Would you like to come in for a minute? I’m sure it would make the kids’ day. I don’t think the story we were reading will hold their attention much longer anyways.”

 

Sam didn’t hesitate and opened the gate, carefully stepping through as more of the kids started to crowd around the entryway, leaving Steve and Bucky to follow. They looked like giants surrounded by the kids, the oldest of them no more than five-years-old and barely stood higher than their knees.

 

The daycare employee smirked and went to grab a coffee and take a seat in the corner of the room, letting the Avengers play babysitter for a bit.

 

**.                                   .                                     .                                       .**

 

“Enunciate but not through your nose. Again.”

 

Mia really wanted to let out asigh but knew that would earn her _the_ _look_ from the woman. Her tutor for these lessons wasn’t just T’Challa’s assistant but she was also part of his security team, and Mia could tell from her demeanor that she was very good at her job. The two women had met on several previous occasions, but these lessons were the longest that they had ever spoken to each other. Although she was a stern tutor she was also patient which Mia was glad for.

The lesson finished with Mia receiving the highest praise she had ever heard from her tutor, “You no longer sound like you are trying gargle water when you speak. We will continue this tomorrow at the same time. Good evening Miss Kearns.”

 

Mia left the office and headed down to the daycare to pick up Em. As she neared the door she heard the kids squealing followed by a couple deeper voices, way too deep for it to be a five-year-old. She poked her head in the door and was greeted with the most rewarding sight she had ever had the pleasure to lay her eyes on.

 

Bucky, Sam and Steve were sitting on the play mats in the middle of the room with kids circling them. One group was working together to braid and put beads in Bucky’s shoulder length hair, a couple were trying to fit some of the play clothes the kids used for dress up on Steve, and a couple of girls were applying “make-up” on Sam.

 

Quickly Mia pulled her phone from her pocket and snapped a couple of photographs to tease the boys with later. As she was putting her phone away the attendant sidled up to her with her coffee and stood next to Mia while they watched the guys play with the kids. “They’ve been here for the better part of an hour. I haven’t had to do anything all day, it’s great. You definitely need to bring them around more often.”

 

Steve glanced over their way and smiled when he saw Mia. He had a pink butterfly clip in his hair that she hadn’t seen when she first came in. “Mia! We were going to come in and get Emery from daycare but we got a little distracted.”

 

“I can see that.”

 

At the sound of Mia’s voice Sam, Bucky and Emery looked over to where she stood and each grinned at her. Bucky was looking particularly stylish with his braids and hair clips. Carefully he stood up and made his way over to the front where she stood. She chuckled at him and tugged at a braid, “I like your new do, it’s very bohemian.”

 

“Bucky, we still need to put this bead in your hair!” Emery came over to him and waited patiently for him to kneel down so she could slide the bead onto the end of his hair. “All done!”

 

Mia chuckled and shook her head, “Ok come on children, we should get going.”

Sam and Steve got up from the floor and carefully made their way over to the front gate, trying not to bump into or step on any of the kids surrounding them. Sam gave high-fives to the kids as he made his way out the gate and to the front door. Steve and Bucky waved as they were led out the gate by Emery.

 

The group made their way up the stairs to Bucky and Mia’s apartment. They received double-takes by the staff members as they passed by. Sam grinned and waved while Bucky and Steve each smiled sheepishly.

 

They piled into the apartment, the boys and Emery made their way over to the couch to sit and turn on the television while Mia went to her bedroom to put on sweatpants. When she walked into the living room to ask if anyone wanted a snack she was greeted with Sam, Bucky and Steve on one of the couches completely passed out. The Avengers had been worn down by a group of preschoolers armed with beads and butterfly clips.

 

Smirking Mia took her phone out again and snapped another picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the "makeup", I remember when I was really little getting a play makeup kit. It had plastic eyeshadow palettes with brushes, an empty nail polish bottle and these weird things that went on your fingertips to make it look like you had barbie perfect nails (they were kind of creepy but awesome to use as claws on halloween). That's what the kids and Sam were playing with. Did anyone else have/see something like that as a kid?

**Author's Note:**

> All information used for Mia's profession come from research I have done, I am not a psychologist or into psychology. All information for Marvel and mutant characters come from the movies, I've not read any of the comics.


End file.
